Kick in the Whore

This young lady is so committed, she even gave birth to a football during a game.

This young lady is so committed, she even gave birth to a football during a game.

 

In a vile desecration that should make any college want to change their name or any graduate disavow their alma mater quicker than you can say “Pedd State”, Nobody University has decided to annoy everyone by recruiting a female kicker.  That’s right even football now.  I guess it’s fitting though because now football players can finally beat on a girl without getting arrested.

Because let me tell ya, at an unimpressive 5’11 and laughable 140 pounds, not to mention the vagina, if they treat this broad like a real football player she’ll get killed.  Then again, since she’s a kicker she doesn’t qualify as a football player anyway.  But even the grueling nature of the calisthenics during hot summer practices would be tough to overcome.  There’s a reason you don’t see a lotta female marines—the insanely strenuous physical activity.  And the few G.I. Janes do see are unquestionably dykes.  Which I’m sure this football chick is too.  That will come in slightly handy, since she’s at least presumably a “manly” woman after all, but you put any chick—or guy for that matter—as puny as her in a hitting drill like it’s “The Program” and that giant muscley roided-out muthafucka will snap her spine in half.  I’d like to see her tackle anybody who’s returning a kickoff or punt for a touchdown too.  Dudes will be looking like Desmond Howard out there.

The awkward locker room situation and possible hazing rituals are another cause for concern.  Rumor has it the team has indeed instituted a new form of hazing this year: they gangbang one “in-cumming” freshman teammate.  Wonder who they’ll choose…

Silliest of all though is that she’s not even that good.  It’s not like we’ve got some “Rookie of the Year”-type thing happening here, and she’s hitting ninety-yard field goals.  Her leg seems perfectly ordinary, albeit decidedly less hairy than most kickers.  Her mediocre senior year stats of hitting 30 out of 33 extra points and a whopping thirty-yard field goal—in high heels no less—don’t exactly say “Heisman candidate” either.  I’d say this nincompoopery is destined to end in a hilarious failure.  I’m sure her team’s opponents, especially the special teams units, are laughing already.

, ,

Leave a Reply