Jetsam: The part of a ship, its equipment, or its cargo that is cast overboard to lighten the load in time of distress and that sinks or is washed ashore. -Merriam-Webster dictionary
Now that the weepy bitch’s Super Bowl tears have finally dried, Derrelle Revis proved to be an island unto himself the other day by taking the money and running his punk-ass back to New Jersey. Well fuck him, good riddance.
Wait, the Pats got rid of Browner too?
Determined to punish their loyal fanbase for only the greediest of reasons, skinflint extraordinaire Robert “Cradle-robbing” Kraft has decided to pinch pennies almost as tightly as he does young supple asses. How the fuck do you dismantle a Super Bowl-winning defensive backfield? Before Revis, the Pats hadn’t had a great corner since a decade before with mighty Michigan alum and the greatest player the position has ever known, Ty Law, who the filthy Wets also stole like the cunts they are. Since then, the Patriots’ secondary has had more holes in it than Aaron Hernandez’ victims. Then last year they put together a two-headed monster that they needlessly decapitate right after they win it all? What the fuck are the Pats gonna do now? Now no matter what happens, their secondary will undoubtedly be shittier next year. Way shittier. Way, way, way shitter.
I just don’t fuckin get it. In the end, the difference in keeping Revis was a measlly four million dollars. Kraft can find that in his couch cushions. How do you let the best corner in football walk away, to your hated swine of a division rival no less, for less money than Kraft spent on Viagra last year? And then you let Browner walk too? What in the flying fuck is going on with this cheapskate piece of shit organization?
And what could Brady be thinking about all this? We all know the Pats left him high and dry last off-season offensively, but at least they got a superstar in Revis for the defense. The Pats spent as little as possible adding only one major new addition and then bam, Super Bowl. It’s like they got rewarded for being stingy money-grubbing whores, so now they’re trying to break their own niggardly (it’s a real word, look it up) record. Supposedly, Reggie Bush was visiting here the other day. Whoopdie-friggin-do. Unless he’s planning on playing corner back, that doesn’t exactly address the team’s major glaring weakness, that about five minutes ago was its main strength. Next to Kraft’s dancing, these are the most retarded moves in Patriot history.
The Patriot Way of stiffing players and forcing them to greener—literally—pastures is alive and well in Fuxboro. Last year, such tightfisted philosophy was astonishingly rewarded with a Super Bowl. Next year they won’t be so lucky.