I was busy waxing my vagina when suddenly the Hell Hound that resides in my house started bellowing his particularly irritating bark. Since Fuckface (the dog’s name) rarely barks, I immediately dashed upstairs to see what was all the commotion. And when I found out what it was I felt like ordering him to viciously attack: smelly-ass Jehovah’s Witnesses.
Fuckin-A. I’ve always heard about these pricks rolling around annoying the universe, but had yet to deal with them face-to-face. A tall, middle-aged, well-dressed and heavily accented black man was at the door with an equally well-dressed pair of crackers: one in his teens and the other literally like five years old. He proceeded to give me his brainless spiel, starting off with, “There’s a big debate in the media today about evolution or creationism…”
And I proceeded to have my eyes almost roll out of my head.
I’d like to say that I shredded his illogical foolery, that I even protested, or that perhaps most sensible of all, that I punched them all in the face, but alas I did not. I nodded blankly, took his stupid pamphlet, and vigorously wiped my ass with it for two solid hours. Why bother arguing with brainwashed sheep? That would be like arguing with a pile of manure that it smells like shit. These cult members have the “answers” they want, and refuse any other input. So be it. Why waste a millisecond of my precious time arguing with dunderheads?
The reason why I’m so staunchly anti-converting morons into being enlightened human beings is because of an experience I had a few months back. For family friend-related reasons, I was dragged to a church for the first time since I was a young tyke. Now I’d been to church a couple times in the last twenty years, but always for weddings or funerals, so I hadn’t really received the whole David Korresh treatment I was about to be subjected to at this fuckin house of horrors.
The second I walked in I was incessently greeted over and over by a carousel of Christian assholes literally dripping with phoniness. Then I sat down and was forced to endure what felt like seventy-five solid hours of audio diarrhea. Every fuckin song was about this magical dude in the sky, how we suck and ain’t shit, and how he’s the man. Okay, we fuckin get it. Any other topics available in this godforsaken (pun intended) genre?
Finally, just before my eardrums began to bleed, the head wizard or whatever the fuck they call him stepped to the podium to deliver the most terrifying speech I’ve ever heard in my life. As I sat and listened in horror, he explained an Outbreak-like scenario to infect all of humanity with his filthy cult’s primitive and ridiculous horseshit. He showed a map of Massachusetts, then broke down the number of smelly Christians as opposed to normal sane people. His point was that if every Jesus freak converted just one person a year, and they converted one person a year, and so on, soon their intellectual poison would overtake the globe. And once this terminal disease of the mind infects all of humanity, what then? Compulsory pedophilia?
Thankfully, due to the capacity for truth of the human mind, that day will never happen. But it brings me back to those two misguided saps and one poor mentally-abused child. I didn’t harangue them because they, like the assholes surrounding me in the church that day, are immune to logic. Over and over, the douchebag preacher instructed his demented flock to steadfastly ignore all disagreements, and continue endlessly thumping their fairy tale Bibles. It was shocking and disturbing, but it was also helpful to see just how far-gone the uber-religious really are. People who believe in creationism and that every word of the Bible is literally true are worthless to the world. And wasting your breath on them is worthless to yourself.