Understandable Smooth Shit

This is how that ride should have ended. I'd like to see the press tee-hee'ing about this.

This is how that ride should have ended. I’d like to see the press tee-hee’ing about this.


Despite my Steven Hawking-like intelligence, and dance moves, many mysteries of the universe still elude me.  Even after all my best efforts, I still don’t understand the feeble female mind, why I should still watch a yearly craptacular, or the media’s wack sense of humor.  Perhaps some Spewing will illuminate such idiotic subjects:


Shoe Me The Money – Things took an ironic turn shortly after my Spew on that useless dullard Mika when I watched an old clip of the Young Turks (not that I make a habit of it).  There was some garbage that happened on Morning Joe involving Mika and a pair of shoes, and the annoying feminist chick on the Young Turks was exasperated.  Like, she just couldn’t believe how such an outrageous setback for women’s rights could still occur in this day and age.  Haven’t women come far enough to be treated as equals and not stereotyped simply as vacuous, beauty-obsessed ninnies?  Then they showed the shoes in question and the Young Turks chick immediately lit up and rattled off the following quotes in rapid-fire succession, “Those are two thousand dollar shoes”, “Those are bleh-bleh-bleh (whatever the fuck the designer was) shoes”, and “Those shoes are so overrated.”  Meanwhile the dumbfounded dude on set sat in stunned silence.  Nice to know the chauvinistic idea that women spend an inordinate amount of time on horseshit is completely untrue.


Final Bore – Didn’t watch.  Didn’t care.  For the first time ever, I never watched even one second of the tournament this year.  I Haven’t even seen a highlight.  Since I don’t know for sure, I’ll just assume Michigan won.  It’s weird.  I used to love March Madness.  It was the greatest sporting event of the year.  But as time has gone on, it’s just become tedious to me.  It’s the same fuckin thing every year.  Nine-hundred last-second shots by nine-hundred anonymous kids from nine-hundred crap schools that ain’t gonna win shit.  There’s always some darkhorse media darlng, and some top-seeded powerhouse always gets upset.  Let me take a wild guess…all of those things happened again this year right?  Whoopdie-friggin-do.  I’m gonna go watch Sopranos re-runs instead.


Crashed Food – What should have been a tragic story unfortunately turned out just annoying, when some eight year-old little shit from Ohio drove to McDonald’s after learning how to drive on YouTube.   Kid’s got a point.   You can find out how to do anything on there.   Anyway, as the future diabetes victim’s hawklike parents snoozed one morning—likely exhausted after a four-day meth binge—fatty stole the keys to his dad’s van.  Then just to up the possible tragic ante he decided to take his four year-old little sister along for the ride as his co-pilot.  Long story short, everybody was fine and so this is supposed to be some kind of amusing “feel good” story.  All the reporting I’ve read or seen has been in such irritatingly whimsical tones, like the shit is just so hilarious.  I don’t see it.  An eight year-old could have got he and his four year-old sister or someone else killed because he’s operating a five thousand-pound vehicle, and he’s starving since evidently the only cooking his parents do is in their homemade bathtub meth lab.  Anyone in the media so gleefully reporting this would be singing a different tune indeed if the kid had inadvertently swerved off the road into a ravine and the van burst into flames, or if he plowed into a crowd of pedestrians.  I know I wouldn’t be yukking it up if I looked over at a red light and a fuckin eight year-old was driving the van next to me.  I’d do what any responsible person would do: turn around and go the other way.

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