I Can’t Grieve


LeBron's pre-game hopscotch routine was more somber than usual, but he still took the time to check out Beyoncé's ass.

LeBron’s pre-game hopscotch routine was more somber than usual, but he still courageously took the time to check out Beyoncé’s ass.


How many more dickheaded athletes are going to try to get political when they don’t know jack shit about the facts?

Front-running gutless wonder LeBron James made news last night when he and a couple lackeys sported t-shirts displaying the now-famous phrase, “I Can’t Breathe.”  Of course, the Cavs owner tried to be slick and slip LeBron an “I Can’t Leave” shirt instead, but he luckily walked by a mirror just in time.  Far less well-publicized was the far less famous NBA players who wore the same “I Can’t Breathe” shirt around the league over the last several nights.  These douchey demonstrations are also coming just a week after several football players defiantly mimed their silent protests over mistaken grizzly bear Michael Brown.  Meanwhile, I’m not even sure what the hell they’re actually protesting.  There’s a reason these dummies are arguing ref’s calls instead of murder cases.

First and most importantly, the “I Can’t breathe” guy (aka Eric “The Sympathy” Garner) is a much different case than Michael Brown, which are also both much different from the handful of other similar cases that suddenly seem to be in more cities than LeBron’s been traded to.  Each of these tragic incidents have broken down along racial lines, which really makes me feel bad for mulattos because they’re split right down the middle.  The only identical aspects to each case, other than the race of those involved, are citizens breaking the law, resisting arrest, and getting killed by police.  Resisting arrest certainly isn’t grounds for execution, but tussling with anyone who’s armed with a pistol always has the potential to turn out poorly for the guy without one.  Garner had been arrested thirty-one previous times, was approached for selling “loosies” and resisted arrest.  Officer Ted DiBiase put him in The Million Dollar Dream, and the Fat Albert muthafucka had an asthma-induced heart attack and died.  Ironically, Garner was on his way to McDonald’s at the time, so if the police arrived just ten minutes later he might have only died of a regular heart attack.  Sadly, now we’ll never know.

Either it’s the unnofficial hunting season for black people, or the police might want to go back to just Rodney King-ing them.  When these kind of incidents start happening more often than Cosby rape charges, it’s clearly gotten out of control.  Regardless, I just love how everyone who’s so heart-broken and mortified about a few white cops killing black guys have absolutely nothing to say about the infinite amount of black-on-black crime taking place every day.  According to demolitions expert Rudy Giuliani, 93% of all African American murders are committed by other African Americans.  And that’s just Africa, imagine how high it is in the United States.  Funny how I don’t see any wardrobe changes or choreographed routines for the literally ga-zillions of black people killing eachother that nobody ever seems to give a shit about.

It’s obvious that the staggeringly disproportionate amount of violence in the black community contributes to how that community is viewed by police.  It’s the same reason why cops arm themselves with ham sandwiches in Crown Heights.  Everyone knows that cops are dicks in general—that’s why they become cops in the first place.  The kind of person who wants to join the police force is undoubtedly a stoonad of the highest magnitude.  They’re the same kind of people who would’ve joined the Gestapo.  So the formula is simple: you take a cop’s normal assholish tendencies, add justifiable fear, then multiply it by black dudes resisting arrest, and you’ve got one trigger-happy cracker.  It’s not rocket launcher science.

Now saltines like NBA Commissioner Adam Silver, who bears an uncanny resemblance to an adult version of the baby alien that burst through John Hurt’s chest, is gently warming the buns of some of the players with public pats on their buttocks.  Of course, the only color Silver is worried about is green, so he just wants to exstinguish this controversy quicker than a cop shoots an unarmed black man.  At this rate, the new outbreak of Black Death is becoming more contagious than the old one.  I just wish we could go back to the simpler times of black people being shot by eachother so we can all get some peace and quiet.  It’s not like LeBron and company did anything wrong, but I almost yearn for the days when the most political thing we ever knew about Michael Jordan was what brand of underwear he preferred to leave his skidmarks on.





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