In one of the most psychopathic road trips since Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, some fuckin maniac made baked beans out of like a hundred Mexicans when he compassionately decided to traffic them across the border in a tractor trailer with a broken cooling system. The Mexicans were trapped inside the sweltering trailer for approximately a shitload of hours until the driver, Timothy Bradley Jr. (I bet his dads regretting that one), finally made a stop at Wal-Mart for a little bathroom break. Holding his bladder was becoming a tad uncomfortable and those are clearly unacceptable driving conditions. Meanwhile his truckload of human hot peppers were boiling alive inside his fuckin modern-day cattle car.
But Bradley’s bladder must have been almost as full as his truck, because he took so long draining it that several passers-by his vehicle heard loud pounding sounds from inside of the trailer. Most wisely just walked faster right by it, but then a few busy bodies started nosing around and spoiled perhaps the lamest Oregon Trail ever. When the doors were finally pried open, 100 Mexicans burst outside like a human piñata had exploded. Eight of them were already dead, and two more would die later. To try and keep their spirits up, they were reportedly playing “99 Sweltering Spics on the Wall.”
Like Sonny Corleone had once feared for his brother, Bradley ended up coming out of the bathroom with just his dick in his hand, and quickly surrendered to authorities. After Bradley’s “a free ride is a free ride” argument failed to win sympathy, he quickly switched to the “Frank Sobotka Defense” by claiming he simply didn’t know his truck’s contents. He also complained that the ride had been no picnic for him either. Not only is his AC a little weak, but the truck only has a tape deck instead of a CD player. So it’s not like he wasn’t suffering too.
What gets lost in this whole story is either Bradley is a deranged monster, or he’s the safest driver I’ve ever heard of. Imagine the concentration to be able to ignore all that annoying pounding from the back of the truck. You should never get distracted from the road, any driving instructor will tell you that.
So now at least ten unlucky Mexicans will never get to fulfill their lifelong dream of picking beans in the hot sun all day for three cents a year. Such a waste. Thankfully though, their remaining compadres have received an honorary gift from America in order to compensate for their ordeal.
They’re being deported.