Hockey Less Cocky

Dawn Broad

The NHL cemented themselves as the laughingstock of all major pro sports by hiring the league’s first full-time female coach. I think she’s the one on the left.


Disgust reigned with the news that the Who-everville Whatevers have newly hired Dawn Braid to be first full-time broad coach in NHL (otherwise known as “Snow Soccer”) history.  Thankfully, since it’s easily on the bottom rung of major team sports, most people won’t notice—but they should.  This is a insidious new trend among all sports lately: needlessy vag-ifying previously estrogen-free zones.  The current nauseatingly politically correct climate we’re suffering through is the only reason any of this lunacy is even considered.  Remember when the San Antonio Snooze hired some Amazon lezbo to help wash their team uniforms or whatever?  That was disgusting enough, but an actual coach?  And a goddamn skating coach at that?  What’s she going to teach them, the triple axel?  Even for hockey that’s lame.

I mean really, how’s a girl gonna give some 6’9” toothless goon pointers on brawling?  Luckily though, team officials have listed her qualifications to quell unrest from irate fans.  Apparently other than having a vagina, Braid’s credentials rest entirely at her time playing on the Orlando Ovaries in the BHL (Broad Hockey League) where she was famous for never changing her pads until after three periods.

Look, I’m not saying all women shouldn’t be involved in men’s sports.  There’s plenty of important things for them to do, like cheerleading, being a beer girl, or shooting T-shirts into the audience.  But other than jobs they can’t screw up, there’s no place for women in men’s athletics.  Things are getting so bad, they even started hiring broad referees in the NBA.  There’s even ugly rumors that they want to try this nincompoopery in the bastion of women’s rights known as the NFL.  Am I the only one who realizes what a backwards message this sends to feminists?  If you’re so fixated on equality, how about building your own goddamn leagues up to the male equivalent?  As its tens of fans like to point out, the WNBA’s had twenty years to become watchable, and I’m still waiting.  Hell, women’s MMA has been around less than half that time, and is already headlining sold-out shows and PPVs.  Now every decent female ref (if there is such a thing) is going to prove she’s about female empowerment by abandoning them?  Even by female standards, there’s not much logic to that.

They can try to ruin men’s sports by forcing baby-makers into positions they don’t belong til the fat broads come home, but women can claim parody with men in the sports world when they become a team owner without the luxury of being the real owner’s wife or daughter.  And a WNBA player will dunk from the free throw line before you see that.


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