In a truly reprehensible and sadly predictable decision that only reinforces the terrifying reality that our government is totally enslaved by a shadowy network of bribes from rich fucks of all stripes, the Supreme Court has actually ruled that corporations are now insanely allowed to exercise religious freedom. In what reactionary right-wing robots are reporting as a crushing 5-4 landslide victory, the noose just got pulled a little tighter around penises everywhere. Now a given corporation can refuse to provide women certain types of contraception and other vaginal maintenance as part its’ company’s health care package on religious grounds—which are obviously flat as we all know. Shockingly, all five votes to legalize this lunacy were Catholic men, and of course, republicans. That’s like if five broads got to vote on what men do with their cocks.
Well I for one think it’s a spectacular strategy on the part of the GOP. Way to really win back the female vote after so horribly fuckin it up over the last few political cycles…And while they’re at it they can secure their ever-shrinking Latin vote by banning tacos. Ham-handedly forcing your way into a woman’s vaginal rights doesn’t seem like the wisest way to win an election, and yet they’re like Chris Christie at an all-you-can-eat buffet: they just can’t help themselves. Republicans keep becoming impregnated with the same idiotic ideas over and over, when they should have just aborted such out-dated and chauvinistic thinking years ago.
Conservative cuntballs are crowing from the rooftops about this shocking dismissal of women’s rights as a sign that our country is somehow heading into the right direction. King of the lace-curtain Irish (he can’t even look a potato in the eye) and egotistical blowhard Bill O’Reilly even blathered that the vile decision was, “A victory for conservative Americans.” Right. Conservative Americans like a guy who had to pay millions of dollars to settle a sexual harassment lawsuit against a former co-worker out of court. This guy is one of the leading conservative voices? His nauseating and unwelcome phone-sex messages to the chick that sued him tells you all you need to know about his phony morality.
Thankfully for the triple-digit IQ community, the kind of backwards Ma and Pa Ingalls philosophy on the most pertinent issues facing our country is exactly why republicans are the new Washington Generals for national elections. That bible-thumping horseshit might play in the sticks, but us big city folk don’t take too kindly to electing semi-literate nincompoops. Besides, you’re never gonna win more votes with the idea that women should do less fucking. In fact, that’s Hillary’s new campaign slogan: “A vote for me is a vote for vagina.” Although, some political analysts have pointed out the glaring similarities between that and Bill’s wildly successful “Blowjobs for Everyone” platform that swept him into the presidency in 1992.
Whether they nominate the loud, ever-stuffed mouth of Christie, the shameless Tio Tom Marco Rubio, or some Obama-esque literal dark horse, the lack of a credible republican challenger has left a gaping hole for the democrats to violently penetrate in 2016. And if Hillary does indeed become the first woman to become elected president of the United States, I predict that there won’t be a dry eye, or “v”, in the house.