Jesus enough already.
As the rest of the civilized world is painfully well aware of by now, that old cunt Mother Nature has decided to ring in the Fall season by hiking up her skirt and taking a mighty piss all over Texas, a place where the stench can hardly be noticed. Unsatisfied with her handiwork, she rained down an equally explosive and repellent blast of urine on Florida days later. No word yet on if America was affected by the storms.
Now all you’ve got on every goddamn TV channel, website, and newspaper is the unwanted interruption of what the news is supposed to be: an unadulterated hate-fest for the fake president. Unfortunately, instead of that noble journalistic pursuit all I keep seeing lately is a buncha bumpkins looking like wet rats. Like I’m supposed to give a fuck.
If Texas is looking for sympathy from me, they’d have better luck with Santa Anna. Maybe if they give Trump a Kennedy-style state visit then they can be treated like an actual part of the U.S. As far as I’m concerned, that whole wasteland can wash away like Noah and the Great Flood and I wouldn’t give even the slightest molecule of shit.
And Florida can suck a big fat orange one too. Those hillbillies ruined the world as we know it by cursing us with Bush the II, a man who now looks like Solomon compared to the mutant currently befouling the Oval Office. I wouldn’t give a fuck if the whole state disappeared into a giant sinkhole. Now I’m supposed to give a fuck about the goddamn weather in that godforsaken swamp? The only hurricanes in Miami I care about played in the Orange Bowl.
And the worst thing is the plucky imbeciles who stay to try and “weather the storm.” I wasn’t going to mention this aspect of the hurricanes after I heard a friend of mine got stuck outside of Tampa, but since I found out he’s fine fuck everybody else. If you stayed you got what was coming to you. Imagine the rescue guys who have to risk their fuckin lives to go save some stubborn twats that they already warned fifty thousand times to evacuate. I’d be in a U-boat handing those drowning douchebags dumbells.
As terrible as the devastation was in Texas and Florida, that ironically pales in comparison with how Medieval the hurricane went on the asses of The Caribbean (is it pronounced “Ca-rib-ean” or “Cara-bee-an” by the way?). One island reported the destruction of ninety percent of its buildings. Shockingly, even the island paradise of Haiti is now considered less than hospitable. But those reports seem a little too far-fetched to be believed.
To me all this hurricaney nonsense was nothing more than a minor inconvenience until I just learned some truly terrible news. It seems that as the deadly hurricane moves out of Florida, the untold power and murderousness of the storm will continue to dissipate as it travels up the east coast before finally dispersing entirely over the Northeast, but not before sprinkling states like Massachusetts with some minor showers.
Are you fuckin kidding me? What about my annual picnic this weekend? Annihilating Texas and Florida and some crappy Carribbean islands is one thing, but what am I gonna do with all that egg salad I made? Now the situation has actually crossed over into becoming serious.