Somebody really went all out to win the costume contest this Halloween, with an ironically dead-on impersonation of a murderous terrorist. Apparently some cuntball named Aqmed or something stupid was the latest to glom on to Isis’ newest trend: he rented a van and plowed into a shitload of pedestrians. That’s some outstanding battle plan by the way. Back in ’93 terrorists at least had the decency to blow a van up, now they just half-ass it and do no more damage than the average elderly or Asian driver. Where’s that good old-fashioned Jihadist spirit?
Evidently Aqmed’s brilliant scheme was to rent a pedophile van from a New Jersey Home Depot, then instead of doing something wholesome like abducting children in it, decided to jet over to the Big Apple (or target) and splatter some schmoes on a bike path poignantly close to the pile of rubble where the Twin Towers used to be. Along the way he GTA’d like eight people, including five Argentinian a-holes celebrating their fuckin thirty-year high school reunion, of all idiotic things. Something tells me their fortieth reunion will be indoors. It should be noted however that all of the men were once voted “Most Likely To Die Hilariously.”
After mowing down some nostalgic nincompoops, our villain smashed into a school bus and jumped out of the van with a squirt gun and an open stapler. Or some other retarded shit to look like he was armed. I think he made a gun shape with his hand and said “blam, blam.” Clearly unimpressed, the police quickly pumped a buncha bullets in the dumb fuck seconds after they arrived on the scene, but since the dude wasn’t black, they didn’t actually kill him.
But as pundits and dumb shits scramble to assign blame and punishment, all the while lamenting about how completely unprotected civilized society is from such mindless attacks, they’re missing the easiest of solutions for these demented rug riders. It’s as plain as the beard on their face.
Now we all know you can’t just stop renting vans to Arabs and Muslims nation or even worldwide. Of course that would cut down on this shit like nine thousand percent, but it’s still clearly unfeasible. But what you can do that will be equally effective—but also constitutional—is stop renting vans to dudes with beards. And presto, just like that I solved the problem. I’m awaiting my citizenship award in the mail any day now…
Think about it. A “no beard” policy would prevent terrorists from ever renting a van again. With the guaranteed success that would surely follow, “no beard” policies would likely be implemented on all flights and future public events. And just to make it convenient for those unfortunate few unaware of the new ban on womb brooms, electric razors will be provided to the staff at rental places for a quick, easy buzz. Some potential customers might get pissed, but believe me all non-terrorists will eventually comply. Hey, you want to move today pal? Well U-Haul is a “no beard” zone. Either get to shavin’ or get to steppin’.
And that’s the whole point. Beards are to Muslims what magic underwear is to Mormons: completely fuckin stupid. Oh yeah and vital to their vile beliefs. Those shits aren’t ever coming off. The beards either. No self-respecting terrorist is ever going to shave off his face turban at the next truck rental place. Hence no more terrorists renting vehicles. And double hence, no more vehicular homicide festivals.
Now that I’ve solved this silliness, for my next trick I will require a deck of cards…