A pissing contest between the two tiniest micro penises on the planet is threatening to drown us all, as North Korea’s Lil Kim is engaging in verbal one-upsmanship with the man supposedly in charge of running the free world. And their international long-distance pissing contest is even deadlier than one aiming for downed power lines. This is concerning power plants, of the nuclear variety.
The beef between these two junior high school girls/dictators began as soon as Trump snuck into the Oval Office via Russian Trojan horse, and began cooking even further after Jong-un’s intercontinental missile test last month. Then Trump started Twittering away his condemnations and we’ve been off to the races ever since.
This has touched off the most high stakes game of “I know you are but what am I?” in world history. Idiotically, each supposed grown man keeps trying in vain to get the last word in an argument conducted in a foreign language. After Trump charged Jong-un with being a “stupid head”, the latter responded by citing the legal case of Rubber v. Glue, temporarily halting the nuclear-armed argument as Trump scrambled for a clever comeback that much like his wife, never came.
Humiliated, Trump responded with his now infamous “fire and fury” comment, like he was naming the next fuckin Fast and Furious movie subtitle instead of casually threatening a potentially species-ending nuclear war. And threatening it right around the 72-year anniversary of Hiroshima and Nagasaki no less. There’s that legendary grasp of world history Trump is so revered for by his scholarly flock. By the way, in case you were wondering the 72nd anniversary is the glow in the dark anniversary.
Undeterred by reality or sanity as usual, North Korea made the world smile by correctly labeling Trump as “senile”, then made the world wonder “why?” after threatening to bomb the glorified American military base masquerading as a country known as Guam. Wonder why the fuck they should care.
But I care. Not about scores of scorched Guam-ese or whatever, but for a much nobler reason. If Guam gets vaporized, we will lose one of the truly great punchline “countries” on earth. They’re treasured as a national joke more than a national republic. Forget solidarity, we need to defend Guam on the grounds of comedy.
So now you can add not only Guam-amanians, but also North Korea’s “good twin” to the south to the growing list of countries that wish we would have stayed in merry olde England. After all, our American threats aren’t going to harm us one bit, but instead will ultimately leave South Korea Seoul’d out. None of Jong-un’s impressive array of bottle rockets and Roman candles can reach our shining shores, but they sure as shit can keep the southern Kinks up all night by shooting them off way past their bedtime. Which is akin to torture.
Trump’s response to Guam-gate has been to increase sanctions on a mysterious chain of North Korean dog tracks/restaurants that have been springing up all around the globe, a move that will likely cripple their already hobbled economy. Jong-un predictably threatened retaliation if such sanctions are implemented, and the hissy fit tit-for-tat continued to the point that a flagpole showdown was tentatively scheduled between the two, until their wives intervened and suggested they don’t play together anymore.
The real problem here, other than literally everything about the hazards and burdens of a Fake Presidency, is that all of Trump’s animosity towards his chief rival for “Asshat of the Year” stems from bitter jealousy. Not just over winning the treasured award of a golden stovepipe hat with a pair of ass cheeks on top, but because even more importantly, Jong-un comes from exactly the kind of warped and reality-free monarchy Trump dreams about heading almost as often as he dreams about frolicking in golden waterfalls of Russian piss.
But as brave as it is to be the schoolyard bully picking on the romper room kid with severe Down’s syndrome and cerebral palsy, Americans have to ask themselves, just like that playground scenario this North Korean nonsense is good for a few laughs, but what happens when Trump runs into a real crisis with a real country instead of the world’s largest Potemkim village? I have a sinking feeling that with a decrepit, diseased hyena pretending to be the king of the international jungle, surrounded by dangerous countries headed by young lions, that an actual serious, maybe world history-changing challenge to our throne is inevitable. And nobody’s gonna be laughing then.