That wasn’t the Macho Man coming down to the ring with Miss Elizabeth in tow when the air was filled with the sweet sounds of “Pomp and Circumstance.” No, it was instead the unmistakable blaring of graduation music for the fourth anniversary of mankind’s most significant translation of knowledge since the Rosetta Stone. After four long but joyous years, the big day is upon my dear Spew readers, or The Spewminati, as it is in fact their Graduation Day.
As someone who was shitfaced for my high school graduation and dropped out of college, I was the logial choice for commencement speaker. And plus it’s my fuckin website. So much like other famous commencement speakers from the Dalia Lama to Kermit the Frog (I’m not kidding, look it up) I’ve got some advice for the Class of 2017 that they should take to heart:
Everyone is wrong except me.
Such bare minimum wisdom is more than enough to to last you a lifetime, and will infinitely improve not only your measly existence, but the mental health and well-being of all those around you as well. All it takes is four years of diligent study to finally see the light and learn such a beautiful truth. And once this new generation of “Mull-enials” has been properly intellectually armed, they can defend themselves against all manners of any sort of daily inconvenience, be it foolery, boobery, or even shenanery (deadly combination of shenanigans and commonly foolery, or in rare cases, boobery). This is truly the proudest achievement possible for the uninitiated. You’re welcome in advance.
The undergraduate course is now complete. For those still interested in acquiring their Master’s Degree however, further reading is required…