One good thing about having a paperweight for a laptop is that I didn’t have the chance to comment on the seemingly endless stories of sexual misconduct as they broke one-by-one, because I wouldn’t have had room for Spews about anything else. I mean Jesus what the fuck is the deal with these lunatics? These are supposed to be grown-ass men behaving in a way that junior high kids would call foul. It’s honestly shocking that shit like this even takes place at all. This is like women’s “Black Lives Matter” moment, when suddenly cracker nation collectively realized, “Oh shit. Black people were right. It is worse than we thought.” Guess girls were right all along too. Looks like Rack Lives Matter.
But predictably, the incredible number, velocity, and specifics of the accusations have left a lot of conflating of an extraordinary wide range misdeeds. As a terrible result, there’s been a similar ruination of the careers of men charged with of everything from outright rape, to unwanted telephone calls. So as usual, leave it to the Spew to solve the skewing of perspectives and put things in their proper context. Here’s the top ten latest demented cast of characters, properly ranked in order of the increasing seriousness of the allegations against them:
1. Touchy Really? – By far the least offensive incident on the list, which is what makes it perhaps the most infuriating, an outrage was sparked when the destroyer of cinema, Adam Sandler, was being interviewed on some British talk show and had the audacity to awkwardly touch the knee of the girl seated next to him during conversation. This was in full view of a national audience mind you, not some dimly lit corner. In this new post-Weinstein era it didn’t matter though. Within hours, some hash tag about Sandler and sexual harassment was trending on Twitter. Next thing you know Sandler apologized. The public is still awaiting the apology for his films though.
2. Mid-Height Cowboy – From the former “So What?” files, evidently forty years ago Dustin Hoffman touched some chick on set. Not grabbed her ass or titties, just “touched” her in an unwanted fashion. While I certainly can’t blame a girl for not wanting to bang Ratso Rizzo, the idea that this was some type of harassment is plainly ridiculous. She’s probably just some extra still squirrelly that she didn’t get the lead role in “Tootsie.”
3. Much Ado About Rebuffing – The least famous perv on this illustrious list would be Joseph Schmoe, the head of NPR. Evidently this scoundrel tried to kiss not one, but two female co-workers ten years ago, both of whom rejected his impolite advances. Exactly how the fuck that resulted in him taking a “leave of absence”—which is just a fancy way of saying he got canned—is beyond me however.
4. Photo Cop – Instead of turkey, Democrats got a nice serving of crow for Thanksgiving, when once future presidential hopeful Al Franken’s name was taken off the ballot for 2020 and instead added to the hall of shame. This too though smells suspiciously like bull feces. The main charge is that Franken tried to kiss a chick who apparently wasn’t feeling Stuart Smalley (I guess he wasn’t so doggone “likable” after all), and she turned him down. Then a photograph surfaced of the two showing Franken doing something that was quite common in the ancient times before two fuckin month ago, it’s called “making a joke.” In the time-honored tradition of doing something assholish to someone who falls asleep, Franken had a picture taken of him mock fondling her breasts. Of course, despite Republican outcries, he was clearly not physically touching her, as evidenced by the shadow from his hands on her chest. Plus if you actually grab a sleeping person they might wake up and spoil the whole joke. I will say though Franken gets big bonus points for having by far the hottest accuser so far (have you seen the lumps of wrinkly slop that have accused Roy Moore?). I’d feign grabbing her sleeping titties anytime.
5. Kiss from a Rose – Mummified talking head Charlie “I wish I was Pete” Rose was recently responsible for a nationwide nausea epidemic when it was revealed that his patented go-to move to impress the ladies was to strut around naked as a jaybird. A really old and ugly jaybird. It seems Rose would add some subtlety to this technique by employing the ingenious ol’ “open bathrobe” trick. This way you can let your cock and balls dangle in the breeze while maintaining plausible deniability. How diabolical. With the emphasis on the word “ball.” But while Charlie’s testicular tactics don’t exactly have the grace of something like Frank Costanza’s classic “stop short” move, one does wonder why the fuck women are working in Charlie’s house late at night. Not to mention the same hotel room. I mean, you can’t blame a guy for trying. And think about the logic, what woman wouldn’t be filled with an animal lust after taking a gander at essentially Mr. Burns in a bathrobe. Again however, does the man have to lose his job over this?
6. President Tush – Easily the most embarrassing case was the revelation that George “I Loves Me Some” Bush, Sr. is in fact, a dirty old man. And it’s mainly embarrassing because it’s so pathetic. The fuckin guy is 93 years old. Any chick whose ass he grabs could turn around and kick the shit out of him. And what the fuck do you have to live for at that age anyway? The man probably hasn’t gotten a hard-on this century, and we’re raining on his perv parade. Well I don’t want to live in a world devoid of the joys of one day becoming a dirty old man myself. I mean really, don’t you deserve some kind of reward for lasting that long? That’s why I officially propose that we make 90 the legal groping age in the United States. God breast America.
7. Rubbed the Wrong Way – Things start to go from “patheti-sad” (Drew Carey joke) to downright pervy and gross with the next entrant in the sexual harrassment sweepstakes, disgraced journalist Mitch Halperin. Apparently, and I hesitate to even write this because it’s so fuckin weird and lame, but apparently this muthafucka would roll up on chicks and “accidentally” brush against them while he had a boner. I mean fuckin seriously? This type of behavior would get a twelve year old thrown out of his special needs class, and this dude was like fuckin forty. And he was apparently well-known for this nasty shit around the office. In light of his admission of guilt, Halperin’s been fired from NBC, but reportedly plans to take up a new and exciting job as an overcoat-clad flasher.
8. Jack Me Nimble – The most disappointing name on the list also had probably the most bizarre allegations. Although right after I heard the initial rumors I believed them instantly—Louis CK just has that undefinable degenerate look. But I never guessed his thing was to whack off in front of chicks. Like, what kind of weirdo depraved shit is that? Plus why the audience? Even hall-of-fame perv Woody Allen once reminded in Annie Hall, “Don’t knock masturbation. It’s sex with somebody I love.” It wasn’t supposed to be a spectator sport however. That’s kind of the reason to masturbate in the first place. There isn’t a woman there. Hence the “can-do” attitude. But call me crazy, whatever happened to just trying fuck the onlookers rather than put on the worst puppet show ever for them? I’ve heard CK is a dedicated performer, but this is ridiculous.
9. Spaced Out – From the “No shit, Sherlock” files, Keyser Söze aka Kevin Spacey surprised no one by announcing he was as gay as a goose. That’s like finding out Liberace was gay. But regardless, Spacey’s sudden outburst of a “coming out” party wasn’t about personal liberation, but rather about getting out in front of the impending news story that he groped some teenage kid on set. And that actually he was a serial package handler. Dozens of dudes suddenly came out of the woodwork to describe Spacey’s “hands-on” approach to method acting. Evidently the guy was a real terror on the set of House of Cards too, rolling around grabbing homo handfuls of dude’s dongs with impunity. Guess now I have one more reason not to watch that show.
10. A Teenage Hug – And last and certainly least, Alabama asswipe and religious psyhopath Roy Moore. Now, on the list of reasons to have Moore committed into an insane asylum rather than being a potential U.S. senator, his escapades with teenage girls is approximately 457th, but it’s also the worst example of sexual impropriety of the current lot. Because while the age of consent in good ol’ Alabama is sixteen (twelve for sheep), rendering most of his alleged activities lawful, that doesn’t cover the old school “heavy petting” session with the fourteen year-old. It also doesn’t cover up the fact that Moore was clearly a fuckin scumbag. I’m the exact age he was back then, and the idea of habitually stepping to high school girls is absurd. Even still, let’s not get on our fuckin sexual high horse and pretend that every single straight male on the planet isn’t physically attracted to high school chicks. I cover high school sports, believe me I know. But also it’s the classic mislabeling of this type of shit when Democrats rush to call Moore a pedophile. What have I always said about the difference between four and four-teen? One makes you a pedophile, the other just makes you two years too early.
So what all this nonsense tells me is that you better never have tried to unsuccessfully attempt to kiss a girl at work in your entire life, because you could literally be retroactively fired for it today. I’m not so sure that’s what this Weinstein era was supposed to evolve into. But just to clear up this crap for myself, I’ve adopted the “Brad Pitt rule” concerning any future allegations of sexual misconduct. Because let’s face it, basically the real crime in a lot of these cases is the men not being deemed fuckable by the women. I say if Brad Pitt could get away with it, then it’s not a crime. According to this list, that would put actual sexual misconduct starting all the way at number seven, with Halperin’s disgusting “chub rub” routine. The other instances simply fall into the “get over it” category.
From now on, apply this rule at all times, and proceed to shrug or shun accordingly.