Germaine de Ran Away

A so-called UFC champion is abdicating her throne in order to avoid absorbing this type of bone-crushing, relentless barrage from the true Baddest Woman on the Planet.

A so-called UFC champion is abdicating her throne in order to avoid absorbing this type of bone-crushing, relentless barrage from the true Baddest Woman on the Planet.

 

I guess some people just aren’t good with machinery.

Yet another female has faced the terrifying wrath of Cyborg, or rather, she shamelessly ran away instead to avoid said wrath.  Just a month after justifiably snuffing loudmouth strawweight contender Angela Magana, Cyborg has chased the 145-lb women’s featherweight out of the division—literally.  Rather than defend her newly-acquired belt against mandatory opponent Cyborg, champ Germaine “Feet Don’t Fail Me Now” de Randamie is hurriedly vacating the title and dropping down to 135-lbs instead.  I think she even put the belt in a garbage can like Alundra Blayze.

My first thought was: Wow, maybe Cybrog’s even scarier than Snoop Pearson after all.  I mean, I’ve seen some indefensible championship-level ducking in my day, but I’ve never quite seen anything this blatant or shameless.  De Randamie won’t just refuse to fight Cyborg, she refuses to be in her goddamn weight class, lest they get matched up by mistake I suppose.  GDR makes Floyd Mayweather look like Rocky Balboa.  Talk about a chump-ass move.  The female Clubber Lang is pitying the fool.

Unless Cyborg goes duck-hunting on her own free time, she’s unlikely to get her meaty mitts on GDR anytime soon.  This whole championship quagmire is so stupid.  Initially, UFC cue ball Dana White admittedly didn’t want to add a women’s featherweight (145-lb) division to the promotion, he wanted Cyborg to come down to bantamweight (135-lbs). Unfortuantely, in an attempt to ease into the smaller division, Cyborg twice made catchweights of 140-lbs that went way past safety and nearly drained her to the point of death.  There’s a horrifying documentary about her making the cut that should make all athletic commissions re-think the dangerous practice of extreme weight-cutting in the first place.  So with bantamweight no longer a viable option for Cyborg, presto, the new women’s featherweight division was suddenly formed, and its inaugural bout would feature Cyborg vs. Holly Holm to crown the division’s first champion.  Aw shit.  That’s a great fuckin fight.

Except in one of the most disappointing drug test failures this side of Jon Jones’, Cyborg popped for PED’s weeks before the bout.  It wasn’t like it was her first time either, and if you look at her you’d think she eats Roids Cereal for breakfast, so her violation and suspension couldn’t come at a worse time.  Then de Randamie substituted for Cyborg and took a narrow decision from Holm for the belt.  Meanwhile, Cyborg was stuck sitting on the sidelines with a two-year suspension.

Then a funny thing happened.  Turns out, the substance Cyborg failed for was used to replenish her after sickening weight cuts and is totally legit.  Two months after her failed test she was granted an exemption and a license to compete immediately.  And the rest of the 145-lb. division just started skipping meals to follow de Randamie down to relative safety.

Now with a bull’s eye on her back, GDR claims her supposed reason for refusing to fight the Brazillian Terminator is her dishonorable past use of PEDs.  It wouldn’t be crippling fear that Cyborg’s fists will tear huge divots in her body like T-1000 or anything.

Instead the new 145-lb. sacrificial lamb will likely be UFC newcomer, and soon to be new-goer, Australian Megan Anderson.  A Cyborg vs. Anderson bout is tentatively scheduled for July 29 at UFC 214 on the undercard of Daniel Cormier vs. Jon Jones.  Cards and flowers can be sent to Anderson’s hospital room on July 30.

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