Few events have been as anticipated by the entire populations of both boobs and dolts as the supposed majesty of a rare “total eclipse” that so pointlessly blessed the United States Monday. Well, that blessed most of the United States anyway. From the weeded-out west coast, all the way to the furthest meth lab outpost in the southeast became blanketed by daytime darkness, whereas Massholes such as myself were left to wallow in the dumb sunshine. How unlucky we were.
That’s a pretty big reason why to me, the totality of said eclipse didn’t mean diddly squat. The fuckin thing wasn’t gonna cast it’s shadow anywhere near me, so who needs to hear about it every five seconds? The news tried to make a mountain out of a coal hill about this non-story because it had been 99 years since the last total eclipse, like anybody gives a shit. The real important story here is the upcoming 100-year anniversary of World War I, that Putin’s bitch seems to be intent on celebrating by starting World War III. But other than that, there was really nothing to report on what essentially amounted to little more than a briefly cloudy day. But leavening to the lame-ass local news to try and blown shit out of proportion.
You’ve probably seen one of several montages of an endless parade of morning shows from around the country each giving a more alarmed warning than the last about the perils of staring at the fuckin sun. Jesus, really? People need to be informed of that breaking news before they realize having a staring contest with a goddamn star is a bad idea? What are the newly-blind buffoons going to do about it anyway, sue the sun for damages?
Just to ratchet up the annoyance meter up another notch, there were nearly infinite eclipse-related stories inundating both local and national news. One self-indulgent spaced-out young couple decided to time their wedding with the seemingly supernatural event, which I’m sure will be a really fond memory when they’re both in divorce court in about three years. It kind of makes sense though since they got engaged way back during the Challenger explosion. Maybe they can time their divorce for when the Andromeda galaxy collides with the Milky Way. Instead of a baby shower, they’re throwing a meteor shower for their Black Hole Son.
But speaking of little bundles of joy/excrement, one feel good story reported the birth of a baby during the event, named what else but “Eclipse.” In sadder news, a stillborn was birthed in the delivery room next door, named “Sun Die-al.”