Since I hate cell phones more than anything this side of mailmen, wouldn’t you know it but I recently ran into my trillionth problem with one of the stupid fuckin things, and needed a new one. Long story a bit longer, I finagled the right bagel to get a new one for a great price: muthafuckin free, thanks to careless customers at my brother’s cell phone store, but this phone has the exact same problem the last one did: what the fuck kind of faggot-ass alarms have cell phones apparently started exclusively using these days? Minus Mike Pence to chastise, it feels like a live Broadway musical every time I wake up in the morning.
Except even gayer. My last phone had easily the worst alarm ever. The fuckin thing was so quiet and easily muffled it never woke me up once. I might as well have set my wallet. Making matters worse was that each alarm sound to choose from was cornier than the next. I don’t need “Misty Rainfall” or “Jazzy Blues” or some other fruity piss to wake me up to the soothing sounds of annihilating bliss. That’s the type of shit you go to sleep to, not wake up from. How about a fuckin plain old alarm sound? Is goddamn “Beep Beep” still an option?
So since that particular phone is smashed beyond all recognition—it tripped—I can’t recall the exact names of the garbage options it made available, but this new phone I just got hasn’t let me down with its own wide selection of womanly anti-alarms. Behold a playlist only the deaf could enjoy:
“Morning Flower”, “At First Sight”, “Crossing A River”, “Meadow Sunrise”, and “A Rustling In The Trees” are every bit as sperm-drippingly faggy as they sound. And anything named “Leisure Time”, “Serene Morning”, or “Drifting Downstream” doesn’t exactly make me want to jump up out of bed either. Half of the fuckin stupid things feature birds chirping or calm ocean waves or babbling brooks. It’s like a nature sounds CD instead a list of alarms. One of the lamest choices even has pencil scribbling sounds throughout like its a fuckin remix to “Stan” or “Fan Mail” or something. What the fuck does writing have to do with cell phone alarms? Except when writing a Spew about how shitty they are of course…