Whether it’s telling ridiculous tall tales, bastardizing fruit, or recycling a movie that wasn’t very good to begin with, stupid ideas have reigned supreme lately, including:
Lochte Up And Throw Away The Key – There’s been some prune-fingered bozo making a lot of headlines lately, and I have yet to bring myself to give even the slightest molecule of fuck. In fact, the whole Olympics can blow me. I haven’t watched one minute, and don’t plan on it unless the ancient sport of tiddlywinks finally becomes an event. As for this waterhead Ryan Lochte, I’m still not even sure what the facts are, and have far too little interest to bother delving. From what I can surmise, the Brazilian food didn’t quite agree with his washboard stomach, and Lochte proceeded to do turn a local gas station bathroom—which I’m sure was spotless—into the diarrhea-caked nightmare from Desperado. Then he cleverly tried tried to blame whatever trouble he was in on some taco-wielding baditos. While that makes perfect sense, some Brazilian officials aren’t buying Lochte’s harrowing tale and claim he’s softer than a Portugese roll. Either way I’m not quite sure what the big deal is. Brazil even went far enough to demand that Lochte be extradicted back to their shithole and face prosecution, but he’s already back in the good ‘ol US of A, and gas station bathroom attendants everywhere better beware. Adios muchachos.
Plum Out Of Luck – I must have been either in a rush or more stoned than usual the last time I went to the supermarket, because I accidentally bought perhaps the most odious fruit ever concocted, some rancid dog shit called a plumpricot. That’s right, as the name suggests, it is some unholy alliance between the magnificent plum and the lowly apricot. Well, this Brindlefly mutant fruit was unbeknownst to me when I first bit into one, and it looked so weird inside I thought it must have been a rotten regular plum. “What the fuck is this red shit?” I charmfully asked aloud to the plum itself, as though expecting a sheepish reply. Thoroughly disgusted, I wrapped the plum in tin foil for further analysis later on, and grabbed another. Sure enough, the same hideous taste and bizarre redness. Was the entire bag tainted? I went back to the super market and was shocked to see my beloved black plums were right next to these hideous abominations. Fuckin yuck. If you value your tastebuds, my advice is stay away.
Queer Witch – In the tradition of making a sequel for every film ever made regardless of the public’s interest, Hollywood has finally got around to doing so for “The Blair Wiitch Project”, one of the most overrated movies of the last two decades, and trendsetter for the irritating “Found footage” horror movies that have plagued cinemas ever since. I remember when the original came out and how much buzz it generated, not just for the originality but chiefly because of the astonishing cost-to-profit ratio. The film cost something like eleven cents and took in ninety billion dollars. But that was over fifteen years ago. Shouldn’t there be a statute of limitations on sequels? Why not re-make Casablanca while we’re at it? But I guess the main thing we should all remember about Blair Witch is the three actors who starred in it clearly skyrocketed into superstardom. I know at least one of them is still in the movies—as an usher.