“I remember the Nixon situation, and he may have been a crook but at least he was our crook. He was not in bed with the Russians. We didn’t have to worry about the national security of our country in the Nixon era.” -Richard Painter, former chief White House ethics lawyer under George W. Bush
“Do you think Putin will be going to The Miss Universe Pageant in November in Moscow – if so, will he become my new best friend?” -Trump tweet from June 18, 2013
“Let me show you a few of the other characters that are involved in this tragic comedy.” -Unnamed Bolivian journalist, Scarface
Much like Siberian winters, this Russia-Gate scandal will simply not end. Probably because Trump is a monstrously ignorant and inept puppet, and the facts proving his inevitable exposure as such are mounting by the day. It’s almost too much to wrap your dumb furry Russian hat around, but here is all the commie weirdness that has gone down thus far, or at least as much as I can remember, in as sensible an order as I could muster. By the time I finish this though ten more goddamn things will have probably come out, so I better hurry.
Aside from the bizarre over-the-top Putin praise on the campaign trail, the first signs of Russian puppetry started with:
Hardcore Hack – One indisputable fact accepted by all is the 2016 election was hacked by the Russians in Trump’s favor. If you think that’s just a coincidence, or that Putin would hack an election without the guarantee of getting something in return, you’re a complete fuckin cunt-faced moron, to put it politely.
Fails Tax – There’s widespread speculation that Mr. Business Genius himself owes several hundred million dollars to Russian oligarchs, who were the only people on earth dumb enough to loan him a nickel after his third bankruptcy in 2005. Releasing his tax returns could either absolve Trump of any wrongdoing or prove he’s a traitor to the country and beholden to communist swine, which is why he will never do it.
Paul Manafort – The former campaign manager for Viktor Yanukovich, the ex-president of the Ukraine and a well-known Russian puppet, was also conveniently managing Trump’s campaign until his sudden departure in August 2016. It later came out the departure was hastened by the millions of dollars he was receiving from the dirty commies for services rendered.
Rex Tillerson – Trump’s secretary of state has long-standing business ties to Russia, in fact a few year ago his company Exxon was awarded an exclusive deal to explore the Russian arctic for oil. Tillerson has also said he considers Putin a close personal friend. He better. In 2012 Putin awarded Tillerson, and I’m not even fuckin joking, something called the Order of Friendship medal. I shit you not.
Mike Flynn – Trump’s pick as National Security Adviser was fired for undisclosed meetings with so-called Ambassador, but in reality the highest-ranking Russian spy in the U.S., Sergei Kislyak, as well as not disclosing his role as a paid Turkish foreign agent.
Jeff Sessions – Trump’s attorney general and the Foghorn Leghorn of politics had two meetings with Kislyak that he lied to the Senate about, and as a result has recused himself from all subsequent Russia investigations. That doesn’t stop Alabama Man from still trying to cover his ass however, like being instrumental in the firing of FBI Director James Comey, who was head of the FBI “Russiagate” investigations.
James Comey – Speaking of the jolly blue giant, after turning down a Trump tree fort-style loyalty pledge, ignoring the treasonous cocksucker’s blatantly illegal requests to let Flynn off the hook, and requesting more resources to investigate Russia-Gate, Comey was inexplicably fired as FBI Director. Since then Trump’s admitted in a television interview he fired Comey because of Russia, then later admitted to two visiting filthy Russians (more on that in a minute) that firing Comey took “The pressure off” of him, and that, presumably, the Russia investigation was over. Oh, how wrong he was.
Triple Threat – Of all days, the day after Comey’s firing is when Trump decided to give a grand tour of the Oval Office to the aforementioned pair of slimy Ruskies, one of them Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov and the other one guess who? Why Sergei Kislyak of course. That guy sure is popular. The American press-free meeting was at least photographed by the Russians, to say nothing of if it was secretly recorded, which Putin trolled the U.S. by implying it was, or if any listening devices were left behind in the White House, which we all know Trump is too arrogant and ignorant to sweep for after they left.
Marc Kasowitz – Trump’s personal attorney for his last few unsuccessful lawsuits—like against the New York Times about his true wealth or the infamous Trump University—has now been hired specifically for Russiagate. Besides Trump, Kasowitz’s other big client is OJSC Sberbank, the biggest state-run bank in Russia, which he is currently representing in a U.S. corruption lawsuit.
Son Light – No, not little Robber Barron, Trump’s other two demon seeds, Eric and Donald Jr. Incidentally, I’m kinda surprised Trump didn’t pull a Foreman and name all sons kids Donald. And his daughters Donna. But anyway both of these silver spoon twats are now wanted for questioning in the Russiagate investigations, likely due to shady business ties, among other things, as both have made public comments in the past several years about their close business and financial ties with the Russians.
Michael Caputo – Trump’s presidential campaign communications adviser who has worked for Putin in the past and is married to a Russian, has been requested by the House Intelligence Committee to turn over all documents related to Russiagate and to submit to questioning.
Alphabet Dupe – This week the former head of the CIA testified that he was gravely concerned with Russian meddling and possible collusion with the Trump campaign in the 2016 election as far back as the summer, and both the heads of the NSA and DNI have gone on record stating that Trump pressured them to discredit the FBI investigation into Russiagate, which they refused to do.
Oleg Deripaska – Russian oligarch and former business associate of Paul Manafort, who recently agreed to testify for the congressional intelligence committee in exchange for immunity, which was refused. As of now, we’re still waiting to hear what this scumbag has to say, but I doubt it’s good news for team Trump.
Jared Kushner – Trump’s right-hand man, and the person Trump envies the most since he’s fuckin Ivanka. This spitting-image lookalike of Trump circa 1981 (guarantee there’s nothing but daddy-daughter porn on both Trump and Ivanka’s search engines, by the way) had at least three contacts with the Russians that were not disclosed, one of them being a Trump Tower rendezvous and fancy dinner with the soon-to-be disgraced Flynn and…take a wild fuckin guess. Sergei Kislyak. I wonder if weasel was on the menu.
Now it just came out today that Kush also attempted to set up a back-door channel to where else but the Trump family’s home away from home, the Kremlin. This way Melania could have phone sex with Putin without the pesky NSA listening in. Unsurprisingly, wannabe WASP Kushner is currently being sought as person of interest in Russiagate. He’s the first member of Trump’s inner circle to have the walls start closing in on them. To that end, here’s a little ditty I just copied and pasted from a Reuters article, “The head of Russian state-owned Vnesheconombank, Sergei Nikolaevich Gorkov, a trained intelligence officer whom Putin appointed, met Kushner at Trump Tower in December. The bank is under U.S. sanctions and was implicated in a 2015 espionage case in which one of its New York executives pleaded guilty to spying and was jailed.” I hope Jared pays special attention to the “jailed” part.
Phone-y Business – It’s just been reported on the heels of the newly discovered Kushner-commie entanglement that there were at least eighteen undisclosed calls and e-mails between Trump sycophants and Kremlin-linked slimeballs in the seven months before the November 8th presidential election, including six calls with none other than the World’s Most Interesting Man, Sergei Kislyak. That guy always seems to be the life of the party. The communist political party.
So…yeah. Trump has a point. This is definitely a witch hunt all right (vomits uncontrollably).