Finals Exam



How the mighty have fallen. Not so fun being on the other side of a Super Team is it, Bron-Bron?


My Finals boycott continued unabated tonight, but let me take a wild fuckin guess: the Cleveland Tin Men got showered with molten diarrhea and swept like the venereal-diseased prostitutes they are.  I don’t even need to watch to know what happened.

This was the worst Finals ever.  Even worse when compared to last year’s epic game seven.  Gee, I wonder what changed to swing the balance so far the other way, because now the two teams aren’t even close to evenly-matched.  If they played seven games in this series, Golden State would go 7-0.  What will it make their playoff record when they bust the brooms out again tonight?  16-0 right?  Fuckin pathetic.  The NBA playoffs were as competitive as the NCAA broadball tournament.  Even the UConn Amazons are calling this slop predictable.  This season was as anti-climactic as a silent fart.

I seem to recall the NBA completely overstepping their bounds and treating teams like they were the mafia a few years ago over that impending, and tremendous, Chris Paul trade.  What the fuck was the reason the league stepped in again?  Oh, that’s right.  Unfair competitive advantage.  Good to see they’re fuckin consistent.

Unfortunately, the ugly truth of this shit-show situation is that the Celtics started the trend with the original Big Three.  The big difference was Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen were veterans, linking up with another veteran in Paul Pierce.  All three men had spent a damn decade taking their respective squads as far as they could in the playoffs.  Pierce and Jesus Shuttlesworth made it to the Eastern Finals at least once, but I don’t think Garnett ever got out of the second round.  Either way, all three men had established their credentials as competitors already.  Compare that to a prime LeBron running to luxurious Miami Beach to play Robin to Dwayne Wade’s Batman, or even more pathetic, rancid 6’11 vagina Kevin Durant’s disgusting choice to join Golden State because the gangly pussy couldn’t beat them.  The Big Three at least didn’t link up in their mid-twenties for fuck’s sake.

I’ve said it before but it bears repeating.  The NBA would not be what it is today if the stars of yesteryear had the same faggy non-competitive attitude as today’s generation.  These are the mortifying results of an everybody-gets-a-trophy culture.  Why the fuck didn’t Bird and Magic just join forces back in the day?  Then instead of trying to beat each other every year, they could just render the entire season essentially meaningless like players do nowadays.  And why don’t Charles Barkley, Patrick Ewing, Clyde Drexler, Reggie Miller, Payton and Kemp, or Stockton and Malone—just to name a few—have championship rings?  What’s their sorry excuse for being such losers?  I bet they’d say something silly like they actually wanted to defeat Jordan and the Bulls so their fuckin title would actually mean something.  Silly rabbits.  Lips are for fibs.

Because we all know it’s infinitely more satisfying to merely give up your manhood and dignity in exchange for a championship ring that no one on earth will ever respect you for.  Cracker jack prizes garner more respect.  First we were subjected to Fake News, then a Fake President, and now we have Fake NBA Champions.

But don’t fret LeBron fans, Cleveland’s favorite son will win another championship soon enough.  Like next season when he joins the Warriors.


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