Mixed Martial Arts and Crafts

Cormier's not crying, he just had something in his eye: Jon Jones' fist.

Cormier’s not crying, he just had something in his eye: Jon Jones’ fist.


Jon Jones’ spectacular reclaiming of the light heavyweight crown reminded me of one MMA story I’d neglected, and also offered opportunities for more of my highly-sought after and always brilliant insight:


Let Your Gard Down – The most ominous sign yet that the UFC may well be on their way to becoming the WCW of MMA came when top middleweight contender Gegard  (pronounced “gay-guard”, seriously) Mousasi recently Hall and Nash’d his way to rival promotion Bellator.  This is a lot different than signing big-name but over-the-hill fighters already dropping out of the top ten like Rampage Jackson, or snagging younger former title contenders who have likely already suffered career-altering punishment like Rory MacDonald.  Mousasi is smack dab in the middle of his prime, on a five-fight winning streak, on the verge of title contention, and very well may be the best middleweight in the world.  This is Bellator’s version of signing Hogan, and I for one couldn’t be happier.  Just like the competition of the Monday Night wars fostered unprecedented success in pro wrestling, two competing and comporable MMA organizations will be good for the sport as a whole.  And if nothing else, Bellator will at least pay the people getting brain damage enough money to quit their fuckin nine-to-fives like it’s the NFL in the forties, instead of overflowing some bald asshole’s pockets with so much cash that he hired Drake to appear at his goddamn son’s birthday party.  And I’m not talking coffee cakes, although they’d be the much better gift.


Soggystyle – In the worst pairing of a commentator with a sporting event since Marv Albert and anything, the UFC must have been under the influence of some powerful “endo” when they hired none other than Snoop Dogg to do commentary like he’s Pot-heady Atlas.  No, he’s not ruining the actual broadcasts.  The UFC isn’t shamelessly stealing Vince McMahon’s ideas that badly. Yet.  But if you’re dumb enough to pay for the UFC channel “Fight Pass” you’re in for quite a treat, as you’ll now have the essential option of hearing Snoop’s garbled, THC-soaked mutterings during live fights.  Gee thank god.  Now all the clamoring for such broadcast butchering can finally die down.  What the fuck?  Of all people, I can think of few smoked-out celebrities who knows less about or has less of a connection to MMA than Tha Dogfather.  Unless he reads them off the poster, can he even name any UFC fighters?  Unfortunately for him, one name that found its way through his short-term memory graveyard that he will wish hadn’t is Daniel Cormier, who Snoop so bravely labeled a “bitch” after his UFC 214 post-fight sob-fest.  More on Cormier’s attitude of “it’s my title and I’ll cry if I want to” in a minute, but for now the next time Snoop sees D.C. he better hope weed is as good a pain medication as doctors claim, because he’s gonna need it.


Crying Shame – Speaking of that much-mocked waterworks display, I wish other tough guys like Mr. Dogg who shit-talked Cormier’s emotional outburst will have the gumption to tell him what a pussy he is without infinite miles of cyberspace between them and certain doom.  Cormier didn’t cry because he was in physical pain, he cried because everything about his career—and thus, largely, his life—was on the line in this bout, and he was fighting as well as he could have hoped when suddenly he woke up and was informed he got KO’d.  It was practically the worst-case scenario for D.C. imaginable.  Loudmouth tear-jerks also conveniently gloss over the fact that Bones wept like a little girl when he was announced as the new champion.  He actually sank to the ground and bawled like Uma Thurman at the end of Kill Bill II, cradling the belt like a newborn for several uncomfortable seconds.

Once again, far be it from me to spout tough-talking nonsense about someone who could decapitate me with a glance, but Bones’ response was waaaay faggier than Cormier’s.  But hey, different fighters react to losing in different ways.  On the same December night they both lost for only the second time in their careers, Ronda Rousey immediately ran outta the octagon and disappeared while Dominick Cruz sat and gave a twenty-minute in-depth analysis of his loss at the post-fight press conference.  Decade-long undefeated Jose Aldo cried after both his Conor MacGregor and Max Holloway losses.  Meanwhile Iran Barkley went to party at Eddie Murphy ‘s house after getting annihilated by James Toney.  When it comes to a loss, either of a fight or a loved one, there’s no right or wrong way to grieve.

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