“If he dies, he dies.” -Drago, Putin’s favorite philosopher
Dammit. They went Republican huntin’ and they forgot to tell me.
In one of the best stories of the year, some disgruntled citizen made the world a better place when he shot a politician. Even better it was a Republican. Now just a couple thousand more politicians to go…
The shooting spree/fun started at a baseball practice for an upcoming game between Republicans and Democrats. Fuckin seriously. This is what these cocksuckers are doing all day. I guess since they’ve done such a tremendous job of ruining the government lately they deserve a little leisure time. So instead of whatever the fuck those assholes are supposed to be doing, they’re engaged in the gayest activity I’ve heard a politician participate in since Larry Craig’s whole “wide-stance” fiasco. Playing in a drunken softball league is one thing, but this is downright preposterous. And it’s not like these are athletic young bucks either. You’ve got Chris Christie lumbering for a pop fly while Elizabeth Warren is rounding third on her spindly legs. Not exactly an all-star lineup. Is it possible that everyone bats ninth?
So while the Bad News Queers were milling about at practice, probably giggling with how much they’re dry-raping the voting public, a 66 year-old nutcase and “Falling Down”-style anti-hero was about to become famous. For about a day or two at least, until Trump does something stupid again. But until then, former Bernie Sanders campaign volunteer James T. Hodgkinson—unfortunately for his victims a resident of Belleville, Illinois instead of Bellevue Mental Hospital—had posted several threatening political messages on social media. One particularly poignant one posted on facebook reads, “Trump is a traitor. Trump has destroyed this democracy. It’s time to destroy Trump and company.” Perhaps even more telling, Hodgkinson also listed his relationship with sanity as, “It’s complicated.”
Not too long after such statements, one lovely evening this concerned citizen decided to voice his displeasure in person, and rolled up to the absurd waste of time masquerading as a baseball practice and started bustin’ caps in people’s asses. Hogdkinson reportedly thought senator Clay Davis would be in attendance, and was incensed about being ripped off over real estate deals. Davis was no where to be found, but several bullets did find their ways into a couple of nobodies like aides and cops. Their wounds were minor however, one aide even quipping, “If only someone from the Democrat’s team shot at me instead. They can’t hit anything.”
Only one so-called “magic bullet” of the dozens Hodgkinson fired managed to slam into a giant bull’s eye of a politician, some previously unknown asshole named Steve Scalise. Scalise suffered a terrible, John F. Kennedy-esque wound when the bullet pierced his left buttock and came out the right. Luckily an innocent bystander, Abraham Zapruder, was able to capture the entire incident on his cell phone camera. “There was blood and fecal matter everywhere,” Zapruder said, still visibly upset. “It looked like a G.G. Allin concert. Or the Jets locker room after playing the Patriots.”
Enragingly, instead of finally uniting the American people as one to all laugh together, like everything else this mess has only served to further divide the country. In this case mainly because fuckfaced pussy Republicans are fagging about how instead of one trigger-happy hero this is essentially the entire Left’s fault, after repeatedly dismissing several Right-wing murderous rampages so far this year as the mere isolated incidents they clearly weren’t. The Demofags meanwhile are immediately crying into their tampons about how there’s now a need to “turn down the rhetoric.” Go fuck yourself. This is why those pussies lost. The only thing I’m turning down is the chance to vote for whiny liberal twats.
This was a nice practice run (no pun intended), but I’m still waiting for that one special politician to get shot in the face before I dance a jig:
That of course would be Trump, by a firing squad, for treason.