Youtube ads are clearly a pain in everyone’s balls but two in particular are making my testicles feel like that dude’s head in the vice from Casino. The first candidate for Most Annoying Youtube Commercial is for some vagina-related product the name of which escapes me at the moment, but I’m sure you’ve seen it. It begins with some broad doing a backflip into a pool before she’s frozen and suspended in mid-air so she can revolt America with her vaginal thoughts. “Gee I sure hope my cunt doesn’t start bleeding everywhere,” is the gist of her soul-searching little pep talk. “Oh wait I have vag-a-whatever the fuck. My twat’s gonna stay clean as a whistle.”
Jiminy Christmas, who on god’s green earth wants to hear that shit? I’m busy youtubing kittens doing adorable things and the next thing I know I’ve got this chick’s bloody vag in my face. Quite the shift in mood, let me tell you.
The new douche on the block irritating all of cyberspace is Bo muthafuckin Jackson of all people, endorsing goddamn Five Hour Energy Drinks of all products. I watched this dude’s 30 for 30, his commercial should go something like this: “Hi I’m Bo Jackson, and when I’m needlessly slaughtering animals I sure get pooped. But then I swig this fuckin piss and I’m right as rain.”
What is the meaning of this nincompoopery? Jackson’s a famously fuckin iconic recluse, and now he pops his head out of his hidey-hole for the first time in twenty years to do what? Endorse crack in a can? I thought this guy had dough, why the sudden lack of dignity now?
Well whatever. Bo’s commercial can’t compare to Ms. Red Box of course—who when she strips out of that bikini will make it look like the elevator scene from The Shining—but seeing him trotted out to hawk slop is not unlike receiving a swift steel-toed kick to the groin. Or an extra excruciating turn of the vice.