Scandal and outrage rocked the courtroom on just the first day of the unprecedented and highly anticipated Epstein trial, when it was announced that pre-trial favorite and gargantuan eyesore Deebo Ottombottom-Epstein has shockingly requested postponement. It seems that the lovely and refrigerator-sized Mrs. Epstein has surprisingly found a new love, and now may no longer need financial support from the hapless and urine-soaked Mad Stupid Jason. Deebo’s attempting to keep his torrid and repulsive love affair a secret from the press, but he has let it slip out that his new beau may be a professional athlete who possibly plays in the NFL for the Packers and is named Aaron Rogers. No further details have been made available at this time.
So where does that leave Mulligan’s Spew site designer and successful sperm bank robber Mad Stupid Jason? He had already thoroughly embarrassed himself by petitioning the court for judge Phillip Banks from the Fresh Prince of Bel Air, but was sadly informed that not only is Mr. Banks a fictional television show character, but the actor who played him is also a big bag of dead. DJ Jazzy Jeff has reportedly been taken in for questioning regarding his death, and meanwhile presiding judge Ito had these heartfelt comments before he left to go deliver egg rolls: “Me Chinese me play joke, me go pee pee in your coke.”
When informed of his former blushing and disturbing bride’s startling decision to postpone and potentially cancel the trial due to his winning the gay lottery, the notorious MSJ responded elegantly by shitting his pants uncontrollably and then rolling around in it weeping for hours, until he finally passed out from loss of bodily fluids. It was the typical type of dignified reaction that has become so closely associated with Mad Stupid Jason over the years.
Meanwhile, Deebo continues to remain tight-lipped regarding what tight-anus he’s currently invading on a horrifyingly frequent basis.
“I really can’t divulge that kind of information,” Deebo explained in a recent phone interview. “Let’s just say that we’ll be spending a lot more time together now that the Fudge Packers are eliminated from the playoffs. Aaron! You’re getting jizz all over your number twelve jersey! Excuse me, I gotta go.”
With such stonewall tactics, it may be virtually impossible to decipher who Deebo’s revolting new lover may be. Stay tuned for further information as it breaks…