Either it was senility or outright gloating that led America’s Rapist Bill Cosby to surreally bellow, “Hey-Hey-Hey!” as he passed a throng of reporters shouting questions outside a Philadelphia courtroom. What the fuck kind of insane game of “Truth or Dare” did he just lose with his lawyer? And how the fuck is that appropriate behavior at your rape trial? A goddamn littering summons shouldn’t be treated so flippantly.
As if that outrageous outburst alone wasn’t enough to throw ol’ puddin pants into prison for aggravated ignorance, the fuckin human rape machine is evidently walking away scot-free—for now. After seeing the jury was the black version of hopelessly deadlocked, termed dreadlocked, the exasperated judge declared a mistrial. Now sadly Cosby may never get to experience the other side of the rape equation courtesy of some American History X-style showering festivities. Un-fuckin-believable. That has got to be the stupidest jury since O.J. What the fuck is it with black people and crime? They’re either committing it or permitting it. And even more importantly, where the fuck were a couple of those psychotically sympathetic jurors for a case that was actually worthy of their—no pun intended—monkey-wrenching? Like when Tyson was on trial?
Forget even the stupidity of ignoring a telephone book’s worth of named accusers against Dr. Fuxtable, imagine the kind of imbeciles required to sit on that jury in the first place. They had to find twelve people in the country who were somehow totally unaware of one of the biggest cases of the new century, so basically that meant twelve people without TVs or the ability to read. Come to think of it, where was the trial held again? If it was down south that might have been easier than I thought.
So the ten whites and two blacks were unable to agree on a rather obvious verdict for a rich, famous black guy. Gee I wonder who were the holdout jurors? And once again this nonsense is another example of the kind of racism nobody complains about: anti-Asian-ism. Why didn’t we hear how many Japs, chinks, and gooks were on the jury? For some reason those numbers haven’t come out yet. Primarily because unless you’re ordering teriyaki or going to a massage parlor, nobody cares about Asian people.
Putrid Asian culture aside, much more disturbing than the jury’s racial make-up was the shocking presence at the trial of one of Cosby’s castmates from his old sitcom. No, not Fat Albert’s boy with the hat over his face, a character even more iconic. The Huxtable kids Theo and Vanessa of course weren’t on hand, and even their light-skinned mailman’s additions to the family Denise’s fine ass and seldom-seen Sara refused to attend. Instead that dishonor fell to impish, innocent little Rudy. Fuckin yuck. Even Cockroach wouldn’t show up for that shameful shit. Rudy’s tubby little cracker playmate Bud might have joined her, but unfortunately he died of a massive heart attack at age seven.
Thankfully for fans of eighties television, Rudy wasn’t the most reprehensible Cosby supporter during this miscarriage of justice however. That lovely title would go to Scotland Yard’s own Camille Cosby, who somehow remained blissfully unaware of her husband’s seemingly infinite infidelities despite dozens of lawsuits and millions in settlements over the years. Can’t get anything past her. Now the deaf, dumb, and blind bitch wants to suddenly stop her decades-long ostrich impression to chastise the press and public? Go fuck yourself you old crow—no special drinks required.
The Wife of the Year was in full Madea mode, verbally blasting Cosby’s detractors (aka white people) for the grossly unfair treatment of reporting facts about her rapist husband. In one of the more irritating and poorly written statements in recent rape trial memory, Camille didn’t bring tears as much as uncontrollable rolling to the eyes of everyone listening as she rhetorically asked a plethora of questions that she also answered herself. Is that some annoying shit or what? It sure is.
Her statement read in part:
“How do I describe the district attorney? Heinously and exploitatively ambitious. How do I describe the judge? Overtly arrogant in collaborating with the district attorney. How do I describe the counsels for the accusers? Totally unethical. How do I describe many, but not all, general media? Blatantly vicious entities that continually disseminated intentional omissions of truth for the primary purpose of greedily selling sensationalism at the expense of a human life.”
How do I describe Camille Cosby? A stupid cunt.
Next up on the “I Told You So” train where some black broad and some black dude who spellbound the audience by speaking ebonics for several incomprehensible minutes. Where was Cosby’s self-righteousness about using proper English now, by the way? After procuring a translator from a nearby crackhouse, I learned the nincompoops basically huffed and puffed about what an “injustice” this all was, complete of course with several veiled references to black people’s absurd conspiracy theory about “The Man.” Yes, good job black people. You have successfully thwarted Whitey yet again. This was obviously a master (pun intended) plan by cracker nation to wait until one of the most beloved icons of the past half-century was in his eighties before suddenly springing their vicious Caucasian trap. How can we pale imitations of Nubian brothers and sisters ever hope to trick such a superior African intellect?
I guess the other ninety zillion black people in jail must be a coincidence.