Dumb Up Short

Typical subtle tampon ad.

Another typically subtle tampon ad. This girl plans on bungee jumping during her next period.


Unfortunately, the dumbest trend, sporting event, and commercial are all currently converging into one gargantuan ball of raging stupidity.  Allow me to puncture this bulbous balloon with some penetrating insights:


Atak of Da Bal-Hedz – No, I’m not about to write a review of that classic Onyx song off their masterpiece debut album “Bacdafucup”, I’m actually referring to the latest vile trend sweeping across the more witless females of the nation: shaving their empty heads bald.  I mean, where is this utter insanity going to stop?  The G.I. Jane look was thankfully a novelty twenty years ago, but nowadays girls are doing it either to make some asinine feminist statement, or even more horrifying, because it’s gradually becoming a popular hairstyle.  Rose Namajunas was one of the hottest chicks in MMA, and possessed tumbling, shoulder-length, straight-out-of-a-shampoo-commercial golden locks.  Rapunzel was envious of this chick.  Next thing you know she’s coming out to the cage looking like Marvin Hagler.  Rose only gets a pass because honestly, if you get punched in the face for a living I guess you’re not overly concerned with beauty anyway.  Any chick with a normal occupation however already has a perfectly adequate list of which body parts to shave, and their head ain’t on it.


Soldier of Misfortune – I’m still not exactly sure why some military-inspired hogwash called Invictus, otherwise known as the Sympathy Olympics, is receiving all this endless coverage from ESPN.  The real Olympics barely gets this much publicity.  And quite frankly I’d rather watch the Special Olympics than this boobery.  At least the Special Olympics has some laughs—like during the bareknuckle boxing.  Invictus is just a buncha gimps hobbling around for trophies that nobody with working limbs gives a shit about.  Not to mention I can’t help but wonder while I watch this, exactly which league do innocent foreign citizens crippled by American soldiers play in?


Red Stripe Fear – Jesus H. Christ, what the fuck is it with vaginal products making their commercials as disgusting as possible, like that’s something any man wants to see?  The latest example of this outrage is brought to us by who else but Tampax, a product that at this point in world history, I don’t think anyone is unaware of.  Tampons have their own entire aisle in the supermarket for fuck’s sake.  Regardless, I can’t even watch YouTube lately without this goddamn tampon ad disturbing my otherwise menstrual-free thoughts practically every ten minutes.  I’m sure you’ve seen it, it’s shot from the point-of-view of some broad going down a water slide as it presumably rattles on about their brand of tampon’s many virtues—I can’t tell because I’m too busy retching.  Meanwhile, they conveniently don’t show you the slide behind her, because it likely has an enormous bloody stripe running down the center of it.  That must be real fun times for the next person in line.


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