Dodgey Dungy


Some speculate that Dungy's disapproval of homosexuality stems from his uncanny resemblance to E.T. with AIDS.

Some speculate that Dungy’s disapproval of homosexuality stems from his uncanny resemblance to E.T. with AIDS.


Former head coach and perennial Father of the Year runner-up Tony Dungy has unwittingly become social media’s newest pinata after making some typically milquetoast comments about Rams rookie and giant homo Michael “Slammin Hams” Sam.  The so-called first black head coach to win a Super Bowl (although he frankly looks Puerto Rican to me), Dungy’s completely rational point was that he personally wouldn’tve drafted Sam simply because he thought it brought too many distractions to the team, and plus vaseline is expensive.  When you objectively examine Sam’s ability, or lack thereof, you can definitely see how his presence might do more harm than good on certain teams considering the three-cockring media circus that will follow him.  If every team wanted a gay player with more media hype than ability then Tim Tebow would still have a job.

But now the PC police have sounded their penis-replica dog whistles and a Murder’s Row of lispy douchebags are coming out of the woodwork to pretend they’re offended, while Dungy’s already back-pedaling like his old days as a defensive back for fear of firing from igniting a flaming firestorm.  That’s how strong the Gay Mafia’s stanglehold has become; we’ve all become Carlo’s to their Clemenza.

Irritating brainless caricature Skip Bayless and others have expressed the frankly absurd opinion that Dungy’s a hypocrite for saying he would’t draft Sam, but he would’ve signed Michael Vick after he came back from operating the world’s worst pet shop.  Here’s the reason dummy: because Vick is a pro bowl QB and Sam even hasn’t played one friggin snap.  Signing Vick could make you a Super Bowl contender, while signing Sam would just make you a pooper hole defender.

The pink elephant in the room that no one seems to want to address is Dungy’s devout and warped piety being the driving force behind his position on homosexuality.  Normally I’d be delighted to take any opportunity to gleefully eviscerate any fanatical or harmful and discriminatory religious beliefs, but in this case I’ve gotta side with Dungy.  Not because I share his crackpot ideology, but because he should have a right to express his beliefs in the same way that I would want to.  Tolerance works both ways.  If Dungy can disapprove but tolerate Sam’s beliefs then why can’t Sam extend him the same courtesy?  Where’s that old reach-around spirit the gay community is so well-known for?

The really sad thing is Dungy didn’t say anything venomous, or hateful, or even manifestly untrue and yet simply exercising his free speech still might somehow send him to the unemployment line.  He’s not a head coach anymore, he’s an analyst—NBC pays him to voice his goddamn opinions.  Gay people have suddenly become the most dangerous group in the country to disagree with, let alone criticize.  It seems even racism has ironically taken a back seat to homophobia as the number one career killer.

To further illustrate the absurdity of this situation, Sam’s foo foo ass has amazingly and ludicrously even drawn comparisons to Jackie Robinson!  Contrary to popular belief, Joe Louis and Jesse Owens forever shattered the athletic color barrier more than a decade before Robinson made the majors, but even though his contributions have been overblown over the last half century, to compare Robinson with Sam is just insulting.  For one thing Robinson was a Hall of Famer while Sam hasn’t even made a team yet, and for another, Robinson was excluded from the majors only because of his race while Sam’s received attention only because of his homosexuality.  Does anyone know the names of the guys drafted directly before and right after Sam?  No, because they were just plain old straight dudes drafted two-hundred-and-fifty something, so nobody gives a shit.

The fact is Dungy’s right; Sam is a distraction.  I mean just look at the turmoil one little comment caused.  The good thing is at least Sam seems at ease in the media spotlight, but then again, shoving a bunch of microphones in his face isn’t exactly intimidating considering what he’s used to.  Still, his new role as the one-man opinion poll on all things gay has becoming increasingly aggravating over the last few months.  Sam’s not the Jackie Robinson of taking it in the ass, he’s just one of hundreds of other rookies trying to make an NFL roster.  If you really want to treat him equally, then treat him that way.





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