One senior citizen looks like he’s about to die, a bunch of middle-aged people keep dropping dead, and a young boxer is about to get killed. Behold another joyous edition of the most pessimistic website around:
Bob Dyin – Yikes! I just checked in on Around the Horn—which is a show that depending on the guests, is easily one of ESPN’s best—and was shocked by the sight of lovably cantankerous former Globe columnist Bob Ryan. The guy looks like a hollowed-out piece of fruit. He’s looking more deflated than those Pats footballs he’s constantly—and justifiably—yelling about. Jesus I know he’s old, so maintaining his usual plump build might be unwise by now, but this kind of sudden weight loss is downright disturbing. I suspect he’s being slowly poisoned by Jackie MacMullen, like the little girl in The Sixth Sense.
Wrestling With Sad-O’s – The world is mourning the loss of Caitlyn Jenner’s favorite wrestler and everyone else’s least favorite porn star Chyna, who astonishingly died at age 46 after clearly living only the healthiest of lifestyles. Experts contend that the dumptruck of steroids, pain pills, and cocaine that she consumed over the last fifteen years was an unlikely contributing factor. This was especially sad news for me personally as it came on the heels of old school legend and my long-lost uncle Blackjack Mulligan passing away only two weeks before. Not only that, sandwiched and lost between those two high profile deaths was the death of former ECW psychopath Balls Mahoney, who passed just two months after his former tag team partner and fellow Chair Swingin’ Freak Axl Rotten. That makes eleven dead wrestlers so far this year. So that begs the obvious question: Who do you got your money on next, Scott Hall or Jake the Snake Roberts?
A Mere Con – Just when you thought Pacquaio-Bradley III was front-runner for the Unnecessary Fight of the Year, here comes the worst match-up this side of Evel Knievel vs. The Snake River Canyon. What in the flying fuck-a-rooni-doony was anyone involved in making Canelo Alvarez vs. Amir Khan thinking? Canelo’s not one, but two weight classes higher than Khan. Just ask Conor McGregor how jumping up two weight classes tends to work out. Not to mention that in Canelo’s last fight, he was obviously too big and strong for Miguel Cotto, who is clearly bigger and stronger than Khan. Khan has better hand speed, but if Cotto couldn’t dent Canelo’s chin then how can Khan possibly expect to? And even more importantly, how do PPV companies expect people to shell out money for this mismatched hunk of shit?