“Why, he that cuts off twenty years of life/Cuts off so many years of fearing death.” -Shakespeare, “Julius Caesar”
A subject that has always been near and dear to my heart is the joy of capital punishment. No, not Big Pun’s spectacular first album, I mean the jolly and necessary practice of snuffing out the lives of the piece of shit murdering scum who deserve it, otherwise known as the “Cycle of Life.” Every now and then the stupidest non-issue this side of abortion makes the rounds on all manner of news outlets, and about ninety-nine-point-nine percent of pundits believe the death penalty should be outlawed. If you agree, allow me to hold up a mirror to the gaping asshole where your face is supposed to be.
A month or so ago a couple black guys (surprise, surprise) were swiftly executed in some hillbilly state because of the stupendous reason that the prison’s supply of lethal injection liquids, aka “Murder Juice”, was about to spoil. First of all, how the fuck does something designed to kill a human being go bad? I mean, how could you even tell? Secondly, it’s not just the E-Z Pass nature of the assembly line of executions that’s most disturbing, it’s that as usual the lucky inmates chosen for the reverse lottery are always the worst candidates. It’s invariably some black guy who did something like panicked during a robbery and shot somebody in 1972. Not exactly jaywalking sure, but hardly death penalty material. That’s the biggest problem with the death penalty: the haphazard implementation. It should only be used in extreme cases, like for serial killers, child molesters, or Jets fans. You know, people that are completely irredeemable.
Take for example perhaps the most egregious case of avoiding the death penalty I can think of, that of Frank Sobotka lookalike Dennis Rader, better known as the BTK killer. This hunk of shit bound, tortured, and killed (hence the acronym) ten victims, including two children, over a nearly twenty-year period. In true hack serial killer fashion he even sent taunting letters to the police. Due to a ludicrous series of events, Rader was eventually apprehended mostly due to his daughter’s pap smear (seriously), and confessed to everything to both police and in open court. His dispassionate recollection of some of the most unspeakable and horrible crimes imaginable allow a terrifying glimpse into a truly diseased and evil mind. So seeing as how this was as open and shut a case as possible, Rader was immediately given the death penalty right?
Wrong. In Kansas for some stupid fuckin reason, they no longer allow the death penalty. I know. The home base for creationism has suddenly forgotten about an eye for an eye. Jesus christ what happened to those farming, straw-chewing pussies? In the old days, the Jayhawk state executed Dick and Perry by hanging their caught-red-handed murdering asses at the end of Truman Capote’s nonfiction novel “In Cold Blood.” And that was nineteen sixty-fuckin-five. What happened to the state fulla bloodthirsty rubes we all knew and loved?
Who the fuck knows, but a true sociopath and blight on humanity like Rader is the beneficiary of such liberal faggotry. If he’s not a prime candidate for a date with a firing squad then I don’t know who is. Where’s Kim Jong-un’s anti-aircraft guns when you need them? Instead of that fitting demise, in an enraging show of patronizing symbolic horseshit, all Rader got was ten life sentences for his ten victims. Even worse the cocksucker is eligible for parole! Sure, it’s in 175 years, but fuckin still. They can’t even give a confessed serial killer life with no muthafuckin parole? Come the fuck on. And shit, think about it. With all these crazy scientific breakthroughs in modern medicine, maybe they’ll figure out how to live to three hundred in a couple years. So then guess who could be getting out relatively soon?
And if you oppose the death penalty, I hope he moves next door to you.