A newsroom police scanner can sure be a barrel of laughs sometimes. Since I prefer to get my goddamn typing done in peace, I avoid such clucking hen houses like the plague, or a school zone, but now and again my beleaguered pop dukes happens to catch some absolute gold over the criminal airwaves. This was one of those times. The following is a true story:
At my favorite local pizza place DeVito’s—which much to my chagrin doesn’t include a shouting Danny peering from underneath the counter, “Taxi”-style—one of the employees was fueling a “Lady and the Tramp”-type dinner date, aka throwing away the garbage, when he detected an aroma in the air that was decidedly not mozzarella sticks. Evidently some bum, or some drunk, or a combination of the two, overcome with a bulging bladder, decided to delightfully empty it all over the back of the restaurant. Just to be sure it was urine, the employee reportedly dipped his finger in the wading pool-sized puddle and put it to his lips. “Still warm,” he said, before vomiting violently.
Such grotesque Pee-SI techniques notwithstanding, evidently this particular bladder bandit is a near-nightly nuisance for the poor restaurant, because police were quickly summoned to the scene of the grime. When the cops arrived and went around to the back of the building to dust for penis prints and ironically put up yellow tape around the horrific scene, what, pretell, do you think they found? Why another charming young lad taking a big-ass piss everywhere of course, what else? Didn’t you know DeVito’s was the place to pee?
I don’t know what it is about the angriest drunken dwarf since Hank’s urinary tract-attacking menu that draws an army of bozos from miles around to come piss on his garbage like wild animals marking their territory, but now I for one feel like a fool. In all the times I’ve ordered from the place I’ve never once shown my gratitude in what is clearly the traditional manner. So now if you’ll excuse me, I have a building to go baptize…