Piece of Ship

In times like these, I wonder what Aaron Hernandez is up to?

I wonder if Aaron Hernandez is reconsidering not just hiring a hitman right about now.


Unfortunately, the Skipper and Gilligan weren’t navigating that ship of Rob Gronkowski’s around, and the big retard made it home safely to shore to continue to annoy all of humanity with his douchey fratboy antics.  What a gargantuan tool shed.  If this puckered asshole wasn’t putting up all-time numbers for the Pats, he’d easily be one of my most disliked players in the NFL.  Instead, he’s just top ten.

And Jesus this cruise ship thing.  I’ve literally never wanted a Titanic scenario to play out more in my life.  Evidently, the big dumb lummox hosted some cruise for his “fans,” which we all know were in reality ninety-nine percent gold-digging whores trying to fuck.  Hmm.  Maybe the cruise wasn’t such a bad idea from his point of view after all.

But while Captain A-Hole blissfully sailed around the ocean blue, and Somali pirates were unfortunately no where to be found, there was a media controversy brewing back home.  It seems that several of the league’s more Africanized players took to various forms of social media—likely on stolen computers of course—to loudly and womanly decry the “double standard” that Gronk enjoys, presumably because he’s white.  While it is impossible to ignore the obvious increase in leeway as your pigment lightens, in this case it’s just plain sour grape soda.

As we all know, the most important thing the NFL cares about is on-field production, and that hasn’t slipped for Gronk one bit despite his Animal House lifestyle.  After that, the league just doesn’t want any bad off-field publicity, and while he may be a complete oaf with the intelligence of a dancing bear, he hasn’t made any negative headlines.  There’s been no murder charges, rape charges, assaults, domestic violence, DUIs, failed drug tests, or even goddamn speeding tickets.  The man has never been in trouble.  Add to that the fact that he doesn’t have nine zillion baby mommas and illegitimate children strewn throughout the country, and I’d say this particular “double standard” happens to be a fair one.

Other jealous commenters are claiming that Gronk’s giving the league a “Bad image.”  Right, because dammit, NFL partying is supposed to be synonymous with bloody suits or bathroom rape allegations, not harmless Neanderthal fun.  What the fuck bad image are they talking about?  When Gronk parties, his suit doesn’t magically disappear or his fiancée end up coldcocked in an elevator.  He gets drunk, dances like a goof, and behaves like an imbecile.  Irritating sure, but nobody’s going to jail over being irritating.  If they were, Gronk would get the death penalty.


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