Cruz Control


Cruz unveiled this controversial campaign poster

Cruz evidently running for German Chancellor. There’s even rumors he’s begun growing a certain retro moustache.


In order to pander to mongoloids in overalls, the newest hapless candidate foisted on the doomed American public from the pathetically predictable swine in the Republican party is a Tio Tomás of the highest order, human cigar roller Ted Cruz.  The world’s only Canadian Cuban actually recently invented an example of pandering squared when in order to transparently attempt to appeal to the filthy base, Cruz pretended to be a fan of the South’s biggest crime since slavery: Cuntry music.  A true musical prodigy, Cruz claimed that as a youth he only listened to “Classic rock,” which is made even more impressive considering that it technically didn’t even exist yet.  After 9/11 though, also known as the Muslim Fourth of July, Cruz said that he preferred the outhouse-brewed moonshine of musical genres’ disgustingly opportunistic, racist, and xenophobic response to the tragedy.  By contrast, he found Rock and Roll’s reaction irritatingly intelligent.

What is this Needy Gonzalez babbling about?  He’s acting like Paul McCartney started wearing a turban after the towers fell.  Where exactly was Rock and Roll’s lack of a response while they were busy throwing benefit concerts for the troops every two minutes?  So Cruz liked when mullet-headed dirtbags were crawling out from underneath their double-wides in droves to record some twangy horseshit just to sell a few records to imbeciles?  I guess he appreciated that kind of patronizing phoniness so much he’s decided to run on it.

This strategy is dumber than his voters.  Like any of tobacco juice-guzzling Cletus’ throughout the shoeless parts of America are gonna vote for some dirty Mexy-can.  They can barely stand having one as their gardener, you expect them to pick one to be their president?  Talk about taking away American jobs.  And after eight years of the racist bliss that’s been the Obama presidency, do you really think these sister-humping hicks are voting for anything other than fifty shades of white?  They’d vote for a box if saltines before they’d cast an ethinc vote.

Thankfully for literate Americans, Republicans are in trouble.  By needing to capture the elusive Bumpkin Vote to secure their smelly nomination, they subsequently set themselves up for certain disaster in the infinitely more rational arena of a national election.  Religious nutcases and dudes born with silver spoons up their ass are only gonna get votes in places where “Twelve Years A Slave” was considered a nostalgic comedy; the sane states in this country will continue to go blue.  Then Clinton can get back in there and continue to get blown.  Everybody wins.





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