One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight,'s the Laptop Commandments.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine…it’s the Laptop Commandments.


Laptops are complete pieces of shit, and I’ll tell you why: because just like cell phones, we rely way too much on the fuckin things, and just like cell phones, they break way too fuckin easily.

Now some foolish people claim that perhaps my penchant for slamming and throwing such delicate items may be to blame, but that’s clearly just plain ridiculous.  The fact that such deficient products deserve to be slammed and thrown is the real problem here.  If the fuckin things worked correctly then I wouldn’t have to treat them so justifiably shabbily.

And my last two laptop mishaps were even less my fault than usual—I didn’t even get to experience the unbridled joy of bouncing them off a concrete floor across the room before the pussies broke on me.  With the first one, I was in the middle of casually watching YouTube one fine morning when the screen suddenly went blank.  Employing the classic “off-on” technique, I shut the shit off and it’s never come back on since.  And just like that, poof, he’s gone.

After being forced to experience the joy of writing newspaper articles and college papers on my fuckin cell phone, I snatched my dad’s ancient back-up laptop from the office.  Goddamn thing was like fifty pounds but fuck it it worked.  Only it didn’t work properly.  The shit was so old that you needed a giant goddamn phone jack to connect to the internet, basically rendering it a typewriter.  So I could type at normal speed, but still had to re-type the shit in an e-mail on my cell phone in order to be able to send it.  Then the laptop began to show its old age by starting to act senile.   It stopped saving files and started randomly freezing for some reason, so I had to take a fuckin picture of the screen with my old cell phone every five minutes to make sure I didn’t lose my work.  Then I had to read the shit off the old cell phone and re-type it on the new one.  So yeah it was fuckin fantastic.  And Spew production slowed accordingly.

Alas, finally the old hunk of garbage stopped working entirely—forever trapping two Spews in its technological jaws: one on the faggy US Men’s soccer team footbawling about not qualifying for the World Cup, and one basically about karma, when about two seconds into the first Celtics game White Guy Mcgee shattered his ankle in a million Paul Pierce-pleasing pieces.  I tried to free them with the jaws of life of an external hard drive, but there was sadly no response.  Barring an increasingly unlikely resurrection, such pearls of wisdom will sadly remain lost forever—mainly because they’re from like three weeks ago and I can’t remember what in the flying hell I wrote anymore.

So not only did my new/old laptop die completely and take down a pair of Spews with it, even better, the fucker broke on Sunday night and I had like three deadlines Monday.  So now I had to drag my drunk ass down to Wal-Mart to buy the cheapest substitute possible, but since it’s the holiday season, the greedy whores only trotted out their most expensive ones, and ain’t nooobody spending $500 for a damn $150 item.  Fuck.  Now what?  I wonder what’s this “tablet” shit anyway…

After a quick brotherly call to find out, I grabbed the cheapest tablet thingy they had and let me tell you, it took absolutely all my inner strength to not smash the cocksuckin thing into smithereens within seconds of using it.  Besides neutering my pet rock, buying this tablet was perhaps the dumbest thing I’ve ever done in my entire life.  It’s basically a laptop, only shittier.  Way fuckin shittier.  Way, way, way fuckin shittier.

It’s built idiotically top-heavy, with all the power buttons and outlets on the screen half instead of the keyboard half, which is guaranteed to wear out the hinge, and means the screen won’t be able to hold itself up in a matter of no time.  And apparently the big feature tablet’s are supposed to have is their fabulous touch-screen, but if you’re typing on it instead of essentially finger-painting all over the damn thing, it’s utterly pointless.  On top of that, I guess because of the emphasis on the stupid touch-screen, the regular mousepad is fuckin impossible to navigate.  Plus it’s slower than a sack of tortoise piss.  I literally have no earthly idea why anyone would ever buy one of those useless gizmos.  I wish Steve Jobs was still alive just so I could cackle at his idiotically painful death all over again.

So needless to say, after two craptops in a row and returning that shitbox of a tablet, now finally after many moons I’ve got things straightened out again after ordering a new laptop online.  So let the Spews begin…




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