Punk: A young man used as a homosexual partner especially in a prison. -Merriam-Webster dictionaty
The lowlight of Saturday night’s otherwise stellar UFC pay-per-view was definitely the absurd announcement that former pro wrestler and straightedge bummer junkie CM Punk has inexplicably been signed by the previously respectable MMA company. This is the worst marriage since Macho Man and Miss Elizabeth. I was almost expecting Gorilla Monsoon and Bobby the Brain Heenan to make the announcement.
This bizarre move immediately drew dopey comparisons from uninformed idiots to the UFC’s signing of Brock Lesnar several years ago, but formerly wearing tights for a living is where the comparison between the two men ends. Brock was a 2000 NCAA Division I national wrestling champion, a true freak of nature physically, and had blown away his first opponent in a minute before entering the UFC. They thought highly enough of his background to match him with a former heavyweight champion in his first fight with the organization. Punk’s barely qualified to watch the UFC, much less fight in it.
The worst signing since Giant Gonzalez has even brought martial arts legends like the fuckin Green Power Ranger out of the woodwork to challenge Punk for his first bout—and I wish I was kidding. See, it’s stupid shit like this that’s got the entire MMA community screaming as incoherently as the Ultimate Warrior. The muthafuckin Green Power Ranger? That’s the kind of credibility attached to a guy with a name like Punk. I guess the Black Ranger was too busy getting shot by police to throw his helmet into the ring, but I can only imagine what other kind of fringe celebrities turned wannabe fighters are gonna come crawling out from under their rocks to embarrass the sport now.
I thought the UFC signing Gina Carrano to fight Ronda Rousey was bad, but that looks like Ali-Frazier compared to this foolishness. Hopefully the company will try and maintain at least a shred of respectability by matching Punk up with a decent opponent. If Lesnar’s first fight was with Frank Mir, then Punk’s equivalent would probably be Lyoto Machida, and Vegas wouldn’t have odds on if Punk would win, but if he would live. Sure, the former bodyslam technician has been dilly-dallying with Brazilian jiu-jitsu and Kenpo Karate for years, but professional fighting is not a hobby, and when treated as such, can be quite harardous to one’s health. Plus there’s no tag team partners or steel chairs to wallop your opponent when the ref’s back is turned.
The dynamic combination of a 36-year old completely unproven martial artist with a gargantuan bull’s eye on his back before he’s even had his first amateur bout doesn’t bode well for Punk’s consciousness. Every fighter in the sport wants to beat his ass then do the Hogan pose-down. Irritating master of self-promotion, arrogant Limey, and legitimate UFC middleweight contender Michael Bisping wasted about a milisecond in calling Punk out on both Twitter and live TV. Although that might seem to be a bit of what Bruce Lee would refer to as, “A real dick move,” whoever rumbles with Punk will undoubtedly have the biggest payday and highest-profile fight of their career for basically a night of shadowboxing. Who wouldn’t want to knock him stone cold?
As silly as this stunt makes the UFC look, and as badly as he’ll probably get his ass kicked, I gotta admit Punk has balls bigger than Andre the Giant’s to get inside the octagon. I just think after his first fight we’ll be saying that CM stunk.