A sip from many a 40 oz. will be poured out over the course of the next few days, mostly by people who look like the vatos from the movie “187”, to mourn the fact that their hero is no more. The stupidest man in the history of the universe, Aaron “No Alibi” Hernandez, has just offed himself. And the final chapter in the most depressing tale of woe since Oedipus, or any Jets regular season, is complete.
It got surprisingly little coverage, but when I stumbled onto the news online my first thought was, “Well that makes sense.” I mean, if ever there was a number-one candidate for suicide it would be this fuckin guy. He probably saw footage of Gronk dancing retardedly on a party boat and finally snapped.
I mean, who wouldn’t? Allow me to take you back on a journey to three years ago, when Aaron Hernandez was inking his first big contract: forty million dollars to be paid out over five years…
“Unless of course,” Pats owner Robert Kraft had joked at the time, after stopping to pick up a gum-stuck penny on the ground. “You do something fuckin retarded and kill someone like a dumbass.”
They both laughed. But as Hernandez watched Kraft chase yet another penny that he spotted rolling down the street, he must have already known he was fucked. He “allegedly” had already committed a Three-Peat of murders by then. Who knew murder was such a big deal anyway? If only Hernandez had been a gentleman and waited until he retired before he went on a murder spree—like O.J.—he’d be a free man today. And if the cheap-ass nigga actually hired someone to do his murdering for him, he would have at least avoided a life sentence. What kinda penny-pinching shit is that anyway? It’s not like he didn’t have the money, or likely the contacts, to get some dirt done. Why’d he have to fuck around and get dirty himself?
Like, you won. You did it. You achieved the goal of every gangster: to become a millionaire. So now sit back and enjoy it. Do you think John Gotti was out whacking people after he became boss? No you stoonad, you get somebody else to do it for you. Then somebody else can get life in jail.
It’s funny. When Hernandez first got arrested, I posted a Spew subtly-titled: “Aaron Hernandez: All-Time Fuck-Up King?” For once, I didn’t even put a joke in the headline, since the reality spoke more volumes. I passionately and correctly argued back then that Hernandez truly was the A.T.F.U.K., but it turns out I was wrong. Aaron Hernandez is now the “All-Time Fuck-Up Eternal Champion of the Universe.” So at least his family can take some solace in that.
Speakin of Hernandez’ family, all seven-hundred of them, they of course think his death wasn’t a suicide at all. They seem to be implying that he was murdered on some D’Angelo Barksdale shit. Then again, D’Angelo’s mom didn’t want to believe his suicide either, and she ended up being right.
Then some questions arose when I read Hernandez was acquitted before the suicide, and thought that meant he was getting out of prison. Fuck that settles it then. If he was getting out, he was definitely D’Angelo’d. But wait, I forgot about the other murders. Tsk tsk, shame on me. Hernandez was still stuck in the Grey Bar Hotel until his last breath. He was acquitted in the drive-by shooting deaths of two men, but evidently the evidence in the murder of his sister’s boyfriend must be insurmountable. And if that’s the case, maybe it’s time to start taking off the old bed sheet…
I’m not advocating that choice, but christ I’m kinda surprised he lasted this long. Although he said nothing about being depressed in his letters to his family, that might just be because he didn’t want to cry for help; his mind was made up. The fact that he piled furniture in front of his cell door to make entry for guards trying to save him as difficult as possible also points to a definite suicide.
I’ll tell ya, I was damn near about to hang myself too three years ago when the dumb muthafucka first got himself in this mess and blew the Pats season, not to mention his career. And now it seems he’s blown his whole life. And man, the dude was so good too. For a guy his size, he was shifty as some running backs with the ball in his hands. Shit, the Pats had even started using him as a running back for fuck’s sake. How many other tight ends have you ever seen do that? And in the four Super Bowls that’s been played since his arrest, the Pats have won two of them and went to the AFC championship the two other years. Imagine if the best tight end combination in NFL history was still intact, and Gronk still had his trusty Mexican bandit by his side the last four seasons? Try the first ever four-peat. Imagine how unstoppable the Pats would still be? Let that reality sink in and keep you up at night, rest of the league. I’m too busy to listen to your jealous nonsense anyway.
I’ve got to go buy a 40.