Confusion and anger recently reigned throughout Middle America, and not just because of their caveman-like grasp of national politics, but instead because president Liar committed the most unforgivable crime imaginable in their tiny, empty, and closed minds. No, not for being in the unmistakable mold of a fascist dictator. And not for ruining the climate for financial gain. Or praising and siding with Nazis and klansmen. Or threatening nuclear war every five minutes on muthafuckin Twitter of all preposterous things. This time Trump did something truly heinous: he didn’t kick brown people out of America.
Dun dun duuuuunnnnnn.
Obviously tired of nine months of non-stop losing (didn’t he claim his brain dead supporters would be tired from winning so much by now, by the way), Putin’s right-hand man made a deal with Washington’s Ozzie and Harriet, Chuck Shumer and Nancy Pelosi, over Chinese food, if you can imagine. I guess there were no Russian restaurants nearby. But what’s been largely overlooked by the media is that particular dinner choice was by far the most vital element to the success of the DACA deal. The press was probably busy writing some more real news stories about this fake president.
Here’s what the media missed: exactly what chink place did the Tammany Hall trio order from? I mean, who delivers to the White House? And that’s not exactly a call you make to the local takeout joint that’s open til 3 a.m. You don’t want to fuck around and get served some fucked-up repugnant shit. You want that marvelous shit that gets your mouth watering. On some make Nancy Pelosi go, “Ohhh shit.”
I wonder too if the gaggle of gooks serving them knew they were making the most important egg rolls of their lives. Think of the two hundred thousand people’s futures that could have remained stuck like so many Chinese fingertraps. Imagine the untold disaster if some spoiled soy sauce gave one of the three dummies indigestion. Nobody wants a pu pu platter that makes their poo poo splatter. A sudden severe attack of diarrhea could have been an utter catastrophe. And not just for the Lincoln bathroom.
By far the most pivotal exchange of the night occurred towards the end of the meal when they still hadn’t come to an agreement. As Trump grew ever more confused by the big words and distracted by shiny things around the room, the situation was becoming desperate. That’s when Amy Shumer’s dad cleverly illustrated his plan in a simple yet ingenious fashion.
Spilling out the large container of white rice into a big pile on the table he said, “See Trump? These are white people.”
Trump nodded his head vigorously.
Shumer took a small handful of brown rice and placed them in the corner of the massive white pile. “This is DACA. Say it with me now, DACA.”
“DACA sounds like ca-ca!” Trump exclaimed, laughing wildly at this discovery.
“It does, it does,” Shumer continued, as he exchanged a knowing glance with Pelosi. “And you want to do this,” and with that, Shumer scooped up the brown rice and held it behind his back.
“But we want to do this,” Shumer cooed, and produced the handful from behind his back again as if by magic. He sprinkled the brown rice back onto the pile as Trump laughed and clapped.
“Again, again!” he demanded, but the landmark deal was already done, so the Democratic duo slipped out of the Oval Office and into the night.
Political maneuvering at its finest.