Over the course of my Christ-like thirty-three years on this planet we call earth, I’ve seen my fair share of assholes, but no puckered starfish I’ve ever encountered has been quite as bafflingly—and ironically—as bottomless as perhaps the worst driver on any road in America, forever more known as the Asshole Wheelie Guy. This guy made Evel Knievel look like “Driving Miss Daisy.” For any adult a wheelie is never a wise choice, but the where, when, and why of this particular example of assholery remains as absurd as it is astonishing.
While driving to Title Town aka Boston a while back on the scourge of a jam-packed yet swiftly moving highway, I was in the middle of brilliantly pontificating to my lucky passenger as per usual, when something caught the corner of my eye a few lanes to my left. I looked over and, holy fuckballs, some crazed motorcycle-riding asshole was doing a fuckin wheelie of all ridiculous things. In the middle of an ultra-busy highway. Going like ninety miles an hour. And the fuckin numskull was completely companionless to boot.
Now you might wonder why that last fact was so noticeable to me, especially after the surreal sight of this soon-to-be Ghost Rider almost made me swerve into the wrong goddamn lane to avoid him, but think about it. Doing something that retardedly fuckin dumb should be filmed for the next “Jackass” movie, not done all by your lonesome to impress strangers with your super cool suicidal stupidity. I mean, who the fuck was he risking getting turned into road pizza for exactly? I doubt many people besides me even saw his Midnight Ride Through Appalled Revere, and those that did aren’t exactly going to follow him to his exit just so they can pull up beside him and ask for autographs.
So what does this lifelong member of the Hell’s A-holes do now after such an anonymous triumph? Go home and excitedly tell all his invisible friends about the insanely dangerous and idiotic stunt he just pulled, much to their either disbelief or disgust? I mean, if that’s his only payoff for endangering countless lives that unlike his own, actually matter, he might as well just tell people he did the stupid death wish wheelie instead of actually doing it, and save the fancy stunt-driving for the inevitable police chases in his future.