“Golf is not a sport…Tiger Woods is the greatest hobbyist that ever played.” -Patrice O’Neal
As impossible as it may seem, even I, in my infinite wisdom, occasionally misinterpret facts. Not that I’m ever wrong—it’s the world that’s wrong for disobeying me—but I feel as though such blue, nay, polka-dotted moons should be cataloged accordingly. This is one of those times.
A few months ago I pointed out that Ronda Rousey was the most dramatic case of a knockout ruining an athlete’s career I’ve ever witnessed, but I was mistaken. Mainly because the person I forgot about is not an athlete. But I somehow managed to forget all about the historic ass whupping to truly end all ass whuppings: the Thanksgiving night shellacking a ninety-pound Swedish chick put on the most overrated so-called sportsman of my lifetime, Tiger Woods, that has literally wrecked his life. Man, I still get goosebumps of joy every time I think about it…
Because as I already stated, the main reason Tiger was off my radar screen for the K.O. conundrum was that in my haste, I was only considering actual athletes. I forgot all about the assorted slapdicks and bozos that comprise the outer fringes of “sports.” You know, the illustrious list of “Go Fish” world champions, Ro-Sham-Bo gold medalists, and yes, even a few lowly golfers. When I open up the list to the dregs of society it changes things dramatically.
Because let’s not forget, this dude was on top of the world, the golfing world anyway, and was practically waltzing to a record umpteen Hoo-Ha awards or whatever the fuck, which would beat the supposedly unbreakable Hoo-Ha record set by, shockingly, some old white guy with grey hair. That golf record was like DiMaggio’s streak for faggots. Now here comes President Obama of the “fairway” to Affirmative Action his way to the hallowed record. Old rich cracker assholes everywhere were apoplectic. They were pissed off too.
Except just like Obama, Woods has proven a terrible disappointment, especially after he got the comeuppance of a lifetime.
At least Michelle didn’t break her foot off in Obama’s ass to ruin his presidency. In Tiger’s case though, his world came crumbling down after the hilarious details of his countless infidelities became public knowledge, and the countdown to his wife finding out had begun. We just didn’t know time was running out on his career as well.
To go through the exact incident in detail again, because it’s just so damn fun, on Thanksgiving night in 2009, Tiger’s little Swedish meatball found his phone or something that spilled the beans about him spilling his seed everywhere, then went berserk and pulled out her trusty Swiss army knife and went to town on him. She buck-fifty’d him like that the girl from Mr. Prezbo’s class in “The Wire.” Well, not really, but for all the psychological damage she caused, she may as well have.
Because no whup-down in mankind’s long and storied whup-down history has ever destroyed a person so thoroughly. Imagine what a pussy Vikki LaMotta thinks Tiger is. The real story is after Tiger’s wife found the extramarital evidence, she went ballistic and chased his ass out of the house with what else but a golf club. As I’ve previously pointed out in past Spews, her ironic choice of weaponry has clearly PTSD’d Tiger’s golfing abilities away, so we can all thank her for that.
Anyway, Tiger’s athletic prowess was on full display as he fled in terror from a little girl, sprinted into his SUV, and was so flustered that he crashed into both a tree and fire hydrant during his pathetic, ten-second attempt at a getaway. His car must’ve looked like Rodney Little got a hold of it. Who was his chick by the way, Uma Thurman from Kill Bill? Why the fuck was he so terrified? Tiger fleeing from a broad like Michael Myers was on his tail speaks to his standing as an athlete too. We all know real athletes cause domestic violence, not suffer from it. Ray Rice must have laughed his ass off when he heard this story.
Fast forward damn near a decade and Sweden’s favorite punching bag hasn’t won a PGA tour event since 2013, or a major since 2008. Now what the fuck’s the difference between them I’m not sure, but the point is the man’s been winless for years now. He’s only “played”—or should that be “participated”—in three tournaments in the last two years, and after his fourth back surgery earlier this year, is out for the golfing “season”, whatever the fuck that is.
More important than goofy golfing gayness however is Tiger’s unprecedented fall from grace. I’ve never seen something so vaginal in my life. I know one thing though, there’s a certain Mr. Old White Hair McGee that sure must be resting easy, because it’s quite clear by now that the many golden Hoo-Ha awards on his mantle will never be surpassed.
So why bring up all this knee-slapping hilarity now? Besides how deliciously satisfying it is to recount all the gory details ad nauseum, of course. Well, it seems Tiger may be well on his way to entering Washed-Up-ville in style, as he’s just been bopped for his first in what I’m sure will eventually become a slew of DUIs. Dr. Drew is already getting a room ready at “Celebrity Rehab.”
Last night, while driving in Jupiter, Florida—so-named for the creeping suspicion from tourists that they’ve landed on another planet after speaking with locals—Tiger was pulled over after the cops spotted a black guy in a nice car, I mean, after they saw someone swerving on the road. Wouldn’t you know it, their racial profiling actually paid off, since the cops could instantly tell Woods was what officers refer to as “under the influence”, “inebriated”, or “muthafuckin shitfaced.”
After commenting they smelled alcohol on his breath, Tiger refused the Breathalyzer, forcing the officers to arrest him under Florida law. Shooting unarmed teens might be perfectly fine in Florida, but don’t you dare refuse a Breathalyzer. Then at the police station he gave his name as Eldrick Woods, like he thought nobody was gonna recognize his famous ass. After a 3 a.m. arrest, they let Tiger out of his cage, aka the drunk tank, just before 11 a.m. I’d say eight hours to dry out means he was pretty hammered indeed.
Of course, the instant the news hit his PR people went into full “spin” mode, insisting along with Woods that alcohol was not involved at all. Turns out it was just an innocent mistake from mixing his legal, harmless, and doctor-prescribed medications. Well that makes sense. We all know how aspirin can make your breath smell like alcohol and refuse a Breathalyzer after all.