“Niggas hear me and take more notes than Connie Chung” -Big L
Since the salad days of lisping nuisance Barbara Wallace and former nail salon operator Connie Chung, female anchors, or “news broads” as they’re more commonly know, have a long tradition of annoying people on TV. Nowadays women have achieved the heights of not only randomly popping in to ruin other people’s shows, but they’ve blown enough executives to actually get shows of their own. Although ironically, the reasons for exactly why some chicks are given a show instead of others are often as deep and mysterious as their vaginas themselves…
In the interest of fairness, I’m excluding of course the unquestionably best female anchors, the Japanese ones who get naked while they read the news, so the following is the official American rankings of the Best Female News Hosts in ascending order of usefulness:
Random Nameless Fox News Broads – These are all a buncha interchangeable blonde mini skirt-clad bimbos. Nice to look at sure, but yikes they can barely read a goddamn teleprompter. The only one I can semi-name is the chick who got thrown off The View of all things, and only because she’s married to a former B.C. QB.
Erin Burnett and Kate Bouldan – While not quite as useless as Fox’s glorified Swedish bikini team, these two chicks are basically just pretty faces. The equivalent of political eye candy. If you ever bother watching, notice how they both desperately need to cram their shows full of like fifty guests who provide the actual content. If they had to carry a whole show solo ala Rachel Maddow, unless it was about lipstick not politics, it’d last about three minutes.
Stephanie Ruhle – Super hot (for a news broad anyway) like the previous two entrants, albeit in a more milfy kind of way, but with a wee bit more brains—like adding a co-host to help lug her around. Must be those extra wrinkles adding wisdom.
Mika Brzezinski – I’ve already gone into greater depth than Id like on her in a prior Spew, but although she’s often unbearably, slappably vapid, she can be decent enough to watch when she’s on the rag and yelling about whatever nonsense Trump is up to now. It’s also entertaining how around every third show her co-host/boy toy Morning Joe has an uncontrollable outburst and basically tells her to shut the fuck up. Something the audience is also often thinking.
Elise Jordan and Heidi Przybyla – Jesus and I thought Mika’s last name was the dumbest ever until Heidi. But regardless, the lovely blonde southern belle Jordan and Sara Silverman-necked Pryzbo are both frequent guests on a shitload of shows, especially Morning Joe, but for some reason have yet to hit the big time and go prime time. Don’t know why. Maybe because they’re both like one notch below chicks like Burnett and Bouldan in looks, and one notch below chicks like Maddow and Joy Reid in knowledge. The dreaded ho-zone layer.
Kasie Hunt – Well so much for that theory. Hmm maybe there is a place on TV for chicks who fall into the mediocre category. Although I definitely prefer the other two in looks and content, I technically guess Hunt has to get the nod over Jordan and Pryzzi since she’s got her own show, “Kasie DC” (get it? Yuck), in which the former White House reporter yammers away in her best Bitch Matthews impression. I’ve only seen a few minutes of it but it’s nothing special. Why the TV execs made her the pick of the chick litter is beyond me.
Katty Kay – The British Jackie MacMullan of politics is another mystery, as I’ve been watching her grace the screen since the old Tim Russert Sunday show and yet she’s never had a show of her own, despite being one of the wittiest and best analysts of any gender. She might be getting a little long in the tooth these days, but that’s still no excuse why we have to be subjected to stupefied wax figures like Chris Cuomo every damn night instead of her Poppins-pitched political voice.
Rachel Maddow and Joy Reid – Proof that female ability and attractiveness have an inverse relationship, the two best veteran chick hosts on TV are also by far the two you’d want to bone the least. Good shows though.
Nicole Wallace – I’m a big fan of the trimester trio of Kay, Maddow, and Reid, but this broad is overall the best of the bunch. Fuck TV shows, this chick should honestly be running for office. Maybe not president, nobody ever wants to see that again, but if she ran for anything like senator of governor or V.P. I’d be on board. She’s wasting her time on TV. I’d miss Wallace’s show if it was gone, but I’d prefer a country not run by an orange mutant too much to not sacrifice my viewing habits. Sure she used to be a campaign manager for John McCain and had to be the animal trainer scooping up Sara Palin’s doody, but try not to hold that against her. She’s obviously already been through enough.
Forget the MeToo movement, this is the MeView movement.