Bitchslap

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You’ll never look the same way at meaningless non-events again.

 

“More often than not, when someone’s kid was misbehaving the child stood a good chance of taking one slap on the behind from a concerned neighbor, then a second when he got home.”   -David Simon, “The Corner”

 

“Back then when friends and neighbors would bust that ass, then take you to your mom’s house she got the switch in the stash, that’s back-to-back beatings”    -Ghostface Killah, “Whip You With A Strap”

 

In case you didn’t know, television history is being made.  For the first time ever, one show is amazingly vying for the coveted titles of both The Stupidest and The Faggiest show on TV simultaneously, NBC’s newest example of the pussification of America, “The Slap.”  When I saw the ads for this foolery I thought it was a joke, but when I realized they were serious it really got funny.  Then infuriating.

The whole fuckin show is based around some little mop-headed brat getting, as you may have guessed, slapped.  No, not by his parents like he should have, but by a neighbor in a yuppie backyard gathering in Whiteville, USA.  I’m serious.  That’s it.  A fuckin kid getting slapped is the basis for an entire television series.  Talk about a low ceiling.  What the hell are they gonna do in season five?

With the power of YouTbe, I watched the title scene in question, and boy is it a doozy.  Seated on a high porch, a buncha asshole parents are paying no attention to their feral children and probably talking about stocks or embezzlement or some other stupid shit, in a nicely manicured, up-scale backyard.  In the background, one tot is refusing to give up the baseball bat after striking out in a game we never see, and by the way the children are arranged was clearly never even taking place.  The little psychopath starts swinging the bat around in protest and the parents finally bother to barely stir.  The only responsible adult present rushes down the steps to snatch the bat away, and as he chastises the little shit, is kicked in the goddamn shin of all things like it’s “The Little Rascals.”  Mr. Scowelstein or whatever the dude’s name is then does something that will forever change human civilization as we know it: he unleashes The Slap Heard Round The World.

Of course, the father of the slapee is none too pleased, but instead of settling it like adults by drunkenly fist-fighting in the backyard, it gets treated like an international incident by all-involved.  This is precisely the kind of gross over-parenting that’s guilty of creating Generation Puss.  Among other displays of over-acting, the mother of the victim wails, “Animal!” at the slap-happy guy like he’s John Wayne Gacy or something.  Instead of a never-ending diet of breast milk, maybe if that dumb bitch fed her kid a few knuckle sandwhichces once in a while, he wouldn’t be swinging fuckin baseball bats at other twerps because the coddled little pussy struck out.  For his irritatingly shaggy haircut alone, I say the spoiled snot-nose in question got what he richly deserved.

Now the real drama begins however, as the shattered community is forced to take sides in this divisive tragedy.  It’s like Ferguson for white people.  If only the precocious little lad had merely smashed another kid’s head in with a baseball bat, all this town-wide ugliness could have been avoided.

What kind of unabashed faggotry is this?  I don’t know who’s the bigger bitches these days, the kids or the parents.  How can a goddamn slap, something so common twenty years ago, be so unthinkable today?  Then again, what grown man can’t withstand a kick to the shin from a fuckin five year-old without decking him with a right hand?  And most importantly of all, what retarded network executive green-lighted this idiocy?

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