Like all good Boston sports fans, I have a deep and profound hatred for the douche factory L.A. Lakers, so their recent struggles have been a welcome source of amusement.
But there’s nothing funny about a broad running your basketball team.
I had no idea until moments ago that the architect of this foul mess is none other than Vulva von Broadstein, also known as Jeanie Puss. Holy shit on a shingle, no wonder why the team’s in disarray. Having some chick on her period trying to run a franchise might be an amusing concept on paper, but as anyone who watched that Whoopi Goldberg comedy can attest, the reality of a female leader is no laughing matter. When former owner and current corpse Dr. (of style) Jerry Buss bit the dust, I always thought his hapless buffoon of a son Jim was the chief imbecile running the Fakers, but it’s actually his goddamn little sister Jeanie!! That makes Jim Buss the Fredo of sports.
I DVR’d First Take in order to fast forward past Stephen A-hole’s incoherent ramblings, and proceeded to do a spit take when they suddenly announced, “Next up we’ll have the president of the Lakers, Jeanie Buss.”
“Jeanie?” I wondered aloud, before delicately adding, “Who the fuck is that?” Next thing I know they got some regular blonde white lady on TV talking b-ball. I’ve just now stopped throwing up.
Granted, I didn’t hear anything she said over the sounds of my own retching, but we all know there hasn’t been a successful female boss since Griselda Blanco. Baking cookies and wiping infant’s asses aren’t exactly impeccable qualifications for running one of the most storied franchises in all of sports. It doesn’t take a vagina scientist to see this is why the team’s been unrecognizably shitty the past few seasons.
If I’m Laker legend and world-renowned rapist Kobe “Bone” Bryant I wouldn’t be too happy, and that’s not just because DNA is traceable. How the fuck can he look her in the puss and take her seriously? She’s barely even rape material.
Thankfully, Bryant only gives a shit about money—after all legal bills aren’t cheap—and the Buss siblings seemed determined to keep him at any cost, even at the expense of winning titles. With that trio of greedy dunderheads at the helm, Celtics fans everywhere can rejoice that our championship record will remain secure for a long, long time.