As Walter Cronkite once said, “There’s an assload of news going on today.” And boy, was he right. It seems there’s been a bombardment of startling headlines to comment on lately, and as per usual I’m about to chef up some marvelous shit to get your mouth watering. Let’s address these news items in the order in which they were received:
“I’m a fuckin idiot.” -Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Boogie Nights – Like most people, I admire the man’s work and was pretty surprised how he went out like Bubbles’ boy Johnny on The Wire, but what’s really annoying is the attention his quite frankly ordinary death is receiving from the normally uninterested police. Excuse me, but muthafuckas die from heroin overdoses every goddamn day, and the cops don’t exactly set up giant task forces to go and track down whoever dealt the final fatal baggy. But have you seen how authorities are treating this? It’s like they’re trying to catch Bin Laden over this shit. So I guess if you’re famous, your death obviously means more than if you’re just some smelly regular person. He’s dead; who gives a fuck who sold him the bag? Christ, I liked Capote too, but get over it.
Can’t Get Woody – Man I’ll tell ya, it’s shit like this that should make everybody stop and re-evaluate how this man has been treated for the last twenty years. I don’t know if you’ve read it already, but if you haven’t, stop reading this at the end of the sentence and immediately type, “An open letter from Dylan Farrow” that’s on NYTimes.com and prepare to be horrified.
Now since I’m assuming that you’ve heeded my instructions, that’s gotta be one of the most powerful things I’ve read in a long time. There’s a lot of talk on both sides about this and that, but what it boils down to is that Woody Allen did undeniably begin a grossly inappropriate sexual relationship with one of his adopted daughters when she was well underage. The idea that he did it to another one of the little girls in his care is far easier for me to believe than the idea that Mia Farrow is so vindictive that she would brainwash her own daughter for the last two decades. Allen’s children are grown and have disowned him years ago while remaining steadfastly devoted to their mother. Meanwhile Allen is still romantically linked with a little girl who once thought of him as a father figure. That should tell you all you need to know about who’s telling the truth.
By the way, ironically it’s “Crimes and Misdemeanors.”
Smoke Shop – I don’t really give a hoot about this because I don’t smoke cigarettes, but it does once again highlight the absurdity of tobacco and alcohol remaining legal while marijuana is still astonishingly classified alongside drugs like heroin and acid. Tobacco and alcohol are each responsible for over a hundred thousand deaths every year in the United States alone, while all weed kills is ambition. So close, but no cigar to CVS. Not being able to buy tobacco is fine and dandy, but I’m still waiting for the day I can walk in and buy a giant spliff.
Zimmerman vs. DMX: Celebrities Boxed In – No, not Bob Dylan vs. DMX, the other Zimmerman. You know, the wannabe cop and giant pussy who shot and killed some unarmed kid who was whuppin his ass for following him, then went and pulled a gun twice on two different women in the last couple of months. Well apparently he’s taking the well-rounded and deadly fighting skills that got him a horrendous ass-whupping by a teenager into the world of professional prize-fighting. At this point, they’re really stretching it as far as what constitutes a “celebrity” but honestly I wouldn’t mind seeing it. Either Zimmerman gets his annual beatdown by a gentleman of the African persuasion, or DMX gets knocked out so he can sing, “I’m slippin, I’m fallin, I can’t get up.”