Everyone’s favorite time of the year is once again upon us: tournament time. And while I won’t bore the universe with my pointless friggin brackets, I will offer a few pearls of nonsense about this hallowed and sacred sporting tradition that I’ve recently noticed…
Barack-et Obama – I came across a rather unsettling scene on ESPN the other day when suddenly I thought I spotted Sasquatch in a dress, but no, it was just gargantuan lesbian Rebecca Lobo with President Obama in his now all-too familiar pose: standing in front of goddamn mock tournament brackets. What’s even worse is that this time he was astonishingly picking the winners of worthless-ass broad ball. Yuck, what a colossal waste of time. Hmm, perhaps going with near-invincible Connecticut, who it seems has won the last seventy-five tournaments in a row, would be a wise choice.
And besides, all right Dick Vitale, enough with the stupid brackets already. It was cute in 2008, but after six years of Obama’s sparkling record of everything from lukewarm mediocrity to downright incompetence, I really don’t give a shit who he thinks is gonna make it to the stupid Sweet Sixteen. Instead of running around filling out horseshit, how about running the country?
Tournament = Permanent – Whenever speaking about the NCAA tournament, it never fails to further highlight the absolute absurdity of college football maintaining their out-dated and often disastrous (toilet) bowl system. College basketball proves year in and year out to truly have the greatest championship playoff in all of sports, meanwhile title games in football are decided by a goddamn adding machine. It’s fuckin retarded.
Supposedly, the NCAA has finally removed their collective heads from deep within the nether regions of their anal passages and instituted a ridiculously long-overdue football playoff system for next year. Well let me say on behalf of the planet, it’s about bloody time. I’ve been personally waiting for college football to do this since the 1995 Invisible Bowl between Nebraska and Pedophile State. It’s a four team tournament; should it really have taken twenty years to figure this shit out?
The Obligatory Pick – Since I share a lot of qualities with the President, such as our love for statuesque black women, I’m going to follow Obama’s lead and satisfy the breathless masses with my highly-anticipated championship pick. After many seconds of meticulous study, I’ve come to the obvious conclusion that there’s only one team on earth possibly capable of winning it all: the muthafuckin mighty Michigan Wolverines.
Granted, I haven’t watched them play all year, and in fact can’t even name one kid on the entire team. But who gives a fuck, they’re Michigan! Nuff said.
My fee for winning you your office pool is ten percent.