On second thought, the three-point contest can stay right where it is.
The Annual Snooz-a-thon known as the Dunk Contest was just saved from replacement with the three-point contest as the show’s closer by the greatest two-man performance in history, when spaghetti-limbed defending champ Zach LaVine and former nobody Aaron Gordon essentially battled to a draw. Some say the best mano a mano display ever was Jordan vs. Dominique, but since I was still blissfully shitting and pissing my diaper during that epic showdown, it didn’t have quite the same impact. Meanwhile, this year’s contest made me shit my pants as well—with joy.
But before this all-time acrobatic dual cemented this year’s contest as undoubtedly the best ever, it was smeared with equal parts cheese, corn, and shit by a few of the douchier participants. First of all, thankfully for him the jaw-dropping dunking display that followed basically erased this from everyone’s memory but, did you see the fuckin “Thrilla” guy’s dunk? That was the gayest fuckin thing I’ve ever seen. If that dude started blowing someone at mid-court it would have been less gay. This asshole had the audacity—not to mention the insane amount of time on his hands—to orchestrate a choreographed dance number, and to the tune and costumes of the King of Ped’s “Thrilla” to boot. Where to begin to unravel the many layers of idiocy that resulted in such an appalling catastrophe?
The immediate thing that jumps out is the song choice. Is it fuckin Halloween? And besides, that dumbass dude wasn’t born until the goddamn nineties, he doesn’t remember “Thrilla.” Shit, I don’t even remember “Thrilla.” Like formerly great comedian turned moody recluse Dave Chappelle famously once said about Michael Jackson’s alleged Make-A-Wish victim’s odd choice in celebrity meetings, “I remember “Thrilla” and I just kinda want to meet this nigga.” Then to top it off, after staging a goddamn music video the fuckin guy’s dunk was as mediocre as his dance moves. Jesus, how about a little less time spent rehearsing your foxtrotting and a little more time spent practicing your actual fuckin dunk?
Then some other scrub decided to drag Steve Nash’s old ass out of the crowd to reprise his famous Dunk Contest highlight with Amare Stoudamire from a few years ago. Two major problems with this. Number one, Stoudamire was Nash’s teammate, so it made sense to involve the diminutive Canadian, but what the hell was the connection here? Secondly and even more importantly, evidently Nash must have lost his luggage at the airport and had to squeeze into his little sister’s jeans, because he looked like a colossal faggot. How in the hell can you kick a ball around in scuba suit pants anyway? Nine hundred painful missed attempts later, we got our answer: terribly.
Now that we were finally done with Amateur Hour, it was time for the real show to begin when Gordon and Lavine finally took their turns. And holy fuckstains, what monumental turns they were. There were like 5 or 6 perfect scores in a row. They were dropping 50 after 50 for like ten straight minutes, straight busting out some NBA Jam shit, and it wasn’t filled with endless silly over-the-top antics either. Nobody had to erect a roller-coaster and set it on fire, then dunk an anvil from it through a thimble. In fact, between the two of them only Gordon used any props at all, when he had his mascot hold the ball for him a couple times. LaVine on the other hand went with the minimalist one-man approach.
In the end, after both guys had exhausted their respective repertoires and were making ill stuff up on the fly, LaVine edged ahead when Gordon bounced the ball off the shot clock twice to no avail, then abandoned that idea and came up dunking from the side. Nit picky to be sure, but when LaVine next swooped through the air to dunk on his first attempt it was enough for the narrowest of victories imaginable. Matter fact, since that was like the fifth overtime dunk I would have been totally satisfied with a tie, and that might have been more appropriate anyway, since Gordon definitely had the overall best dunk of the night, and truly one of the greatest dunks of all-time. Just like last year with LaVine, I’d never heard of that Gordon dude until this, but even without the win, he definitely made a lasting impression.
As for LaVine, he’ll doubtlessly enter next year’s Dunk Contest poised to be only the second man to ever win it three times (the first being, bizarrely, Nate Robinson somehow), and the first man to ever three-peat. Meanwhile, standing in his way will be a 6’9” spoiler by the name of Aaron Gordon.
Man fuck next year, let’s get this shit on tomorrow!