A Royal Pain In The Balls


Each hat comes courtesy of the Queen's annual muff shave.

Each hat comes courtesy of the Queen’s annual muff shave.


Am I the only one who thinks English people are fuckin retarded?

Everyone knows their monarchy is a complete sham.  The Prime Minister runs the country; he’s the guy meeting with world leaders to discuss international affairs.  The so-called King and Queen don’t do anything but sit on their royal asses munching tea and crumpets all day.  And yet here we are in the year 2013 and it’s supposed to be a big deal that another limey asshole was pooped into the world because it will carry on a tradition that has been laughably obsolete for half a century.

I don’t get the fascination with the Royal Family.  They’re a Murderer’s Row of colossal shitheads.  The shriveled up old bat of a Queen’s main attribute seems to be her vampire-like ability to outlive death.  I’m not so sure she’s ever done anything worthwhile other than be the embodiment of the final nail in the coffin for what had provided one of fashion’s darkest hours: the dreaded pillbox hat.

And Prince Charles may be the most universally disliked human being in existence.  Literally everyone hates this man.  The day the Queenie finally croaks may be the long-overdue beginning of the end for this pathetically limp monarchy, because the Prince is entirely devoid of respect from all forms of life.  The second the crown gets super-glued to the top of his hideous head it might as well be from Burger King.

Then you got the two kids Harry and Barry or Moe and Joe or whatever the fuck their names are, and it’s painfully obvious that one of them is clearly not the demon spawn of Prince Charles but in fact the seed of some other toolshed who was dickin down Princess Di back in the day.  Because the legendary Christopher Hitchens summed up Diana’s trifling ass typically perfectly: “She was in Angola on her land-mine campaign, and there was a hushed reverent BBC commentator who said, ‘The thing about mine-fields is they’re very easy to lay, but very difficult and dangerous and even expensive to get rid of.’  The perfect description of Prince Charles’ first wife.”  In other words, she was spreading her legs to every Tom, Dick, and Harry—especially Dick—that she could cram in her castle.

So with that sparkling background here we have a barrage of media coverage because one of their dumb kids just had his own dumb kid…and that means what exactly?  So when future “King Charles” dies and then future-future “King Charles-and-Diana’s-kid” dies this little bundle of snot will be king?  If the rest of these fucks inherited Elizabeth’s zombie genes when is that gonna be, the year 3000?  Who the fuck will still even be paying attention by then?

Correct me if I’m wrong but didn’t we whup these buck-tooth chumps like over 200 years ago?  The really repugnant aspect of this fiasco is that we Americans have to hear about it every goddamn day.  I expect to look out my window and see Big Ben outside the way I’m bombarded with this shit.  Enough already we get it.  Your fake, paper tiger, imaginary leaders have managed to reproduce.  In the immortal words of Chris Rock, “Even roaches have kids.”


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