Golf Bawls


Exhibit A in the landmark case of Heterosexuality v. Golf. Case dismissed.


“You ever watch golf on television?  It’s like watching flies fuck.”   -George Carlin


“Now I know there’s some people who play golf who don’t consider themselves rich.  Fuck em!  And shame on them, for engaging in an arrogant, elitist pastime.”   -George Carlin


“And now you’re gonna die wearing that stupid little hat.  How’s it feel?”   -D-Fens, hero from “Falling Down”


While cataloging the daily outrages of the hideous Fake Presidency that has descended upon us like the plague, I came across this interesting tidbit: Fuckface has spent more time golfing in his first five months than Obama, Bush 43, or Clinton did during their first five months combined.  This from the same hypocritical loudmouth asshole who squawked like a faux-outraged, whiny bigot every time Obama hit the links—or whatever the fuck it’s called.  I wouldn’t know the correct term because golfing is clearly for faggots.  Which is the real crux of this particular issue.

Trump’s obvious lack of work ethic aside (could we expect any less?), why the fuck is tee time a possible measuring stick for any given commander-in-chief’s time in office anyway?  What the fuck is the correlation between being the leader of the free world and sand traps?

Like most good people, I’ve never golfed in my life.  I even worked on a stupid mini golf/driving range for a summer (as detailed in the nostalgic masterpiece “Groundskeeper Silly”) and still didn’t spoil my perfect score of zero.  Truth be told, it’s not a good idea for me to go golfing anyway.  I just know the second someone makes a stupid fuckin “Mulligan” joke I’m burying my club in their face.

So besides unathletic fags and rich assholes, who plays what the Sopranos’ Furio rightly deemed such a, “stupid-a fackin’ game”?  Evidently every president since George Washington.  Well probably not, but this irksome tradition had to start somewhere.  Whether or not Lincoln retreated from the pressures of a nation divided by Civil War through putting his troubles away is uncertain.  All I know is nowadays every incoming president’s love of gay-ass golf is so certain that they even installed a fuckin putting green on the White House grounds.  I shit you not.  Not something cool like a batting cage or a bowling alley or a dog fighting pit, a muthafuckn putting green.  That’s how goddamn addicted every American president is to this shit.  It’s like heroin, only an even less respectable habit.

One thing we can all agree on is that unlovable loser Hillary certainly wouldn’t be wasting her valuable presidential time on a goddamn golf course.  She’d be busy doing old lady shit, like baking cookies for the grandkids and counting the varicose veins on her legs.  You know, wholesome activities.

Come 2020, my vote is going to whichever candidate has never picked up a golf club in their life except as a weapon.  Come to think of it, I’m voting for Tiger’s ex-wife.

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